Introducing: GODSHOT

Are you tired of the same stale, repetitive nomenclature when it comes to your healthcare and medicine?

Are you fed up with reading the word ‘vaccine’ over and over again?

Do you feel like you deserve a better product with a cooler name?

Well, have we got the shot for you!

Introducing: GODSHOT. Praise him!

We know what you’re thinking: GODSHOT? Really?

Yes.

Based on our extensive market research (five minutes on Google News), we figured out three things: Americans love God, a cool name, and guns. (Oh, and not dying. Unless, it’s the death penalty. Then they’re SUPER okay with it.)

With that priceless knowledge in hand, we created our proprietary, badass product that is GUARANTEED to make you immune to all diseases, bad luck, and general unfortunate life events.

Oh, you thought this was just for COVID-19? You’ve got the holy ghost moving through you, baby! Blindness? Immune. Plague of locusts sent to destroy your crops? Protected. One of the worst diseases to surface since the Spanish Flu? We’ve GOT YOU, bro!

This pandemic has been tough and we think you deserve a fun, shiny name to get behind. I mean, the word ‘vaccine’ is so 1798 and besides, it only protects against ONE virus. How lame is that? Our shot protects you against EVERYTHING. Even food poisoning! Bet you didn’t think that was possible, but it is. Trust us. We deliberately ate spoiled food to see if it would work, and we only vomited once and our ER stay was super short! If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will!

But wait, it gets even better. The three wise men (Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson), all had to use the Emergency Use Authorization to fast track their vaccine before eventually getting approved by the FDA, but not us. We ignored those sinful guidelines and got our shot approved by the big guy upstairs and his best friend. That’s right. We personally hit up both God and the Pope to make sure our shit was legit. And guess what? They were both so happy with it they told us: “Go ye into the world, my bros, and push the shot into every creature.”

Such glowing reviews! And with that blessing, we had to bring this to the world.

But wait! There’s more! Not only will you have the actual particles of God running through you, protecting you, and healing you along with approval from the POPE, but you’ll also get some shiny, fun stickers with “I’VE BEEN GODSHOT” written on them. That’s a deal as good as heaven.

BONUS: after receiving your shot, share it on your Facebook page! We’ve ensured that our product is safe and reliable enough to tag your most extreme, misinformed right-wing family members.

We know you’re going to love this shot as much as the rest of us. So go out and get it while supplies last!

Warning: If you’re a COVID anti-vaxxer, this shot won’t cause autism or cancer, but there are no guarantees this will protect against COVID. If you’re a COVID denier, then none of this is real. If you’re a polio and measles anti-vaxxer, we’re not sure why you’re here and recommend you read some fake news sources on your estranged aunt’s Facebook page. If you’re a general anti-vaxxer, none of this will be helpful for you and won’t work nearly as well as that non-FDA approved horse dewormer you heard about on Joe Rogan.