Melania Trump’s Letter to Jill Biden

Dearest Jill,

 

Congratulations on your new job as First Lady. It’s hard work, way harder than the stuff in the bedroom — and I was a professional.

 

You have big stilettos to fill, for I was the greatest First Lady in the history of the United States. No other First Lady, both past and future, has even been or will ever be as good as me at avoiding the three evils: listening, caring, and working.

 

It will not be easy for you, Jill. Democrats ask for authenticity and morals in their First Lady, while my audience liked me at the first glance. For I am thin. I am white. I am glamour personified. Did I mention white?

 

You may appear on the covers of magazines that ignored me and you may make heartwarming appearances with James Corden and on Saturday Night Live, but within two months even your advanced degree will not protect you from the urge to pretend to listen, pretend to care, and pretend to work.

 

My advice is to never stop telling people how busy you are and how hard you are working, especially when it comes to your coffee table picture book, posing next to poor children, and self-care spa days. Eventually they will believe you, even if they keep trying to touch your vagin, which specifically means don’t be alone with Karen Pence.

 

Oh and the green jacket in the closet is for you, as well as 895 Prada gowns, 354 Dolce dresses, and 6 scrunchies because I don’t wear them more than once and I always wear them better.

 

Good luck with the fucking Christmas stuff next year.

 

XO Melania