Muelling Things Over with Bob Mueller

Having a rough time? Problems seem insurmountable? Write to Bob for prompt assistance!

(editor’s note: advise may not in fact be delivered promptly)

(additional editor’s note: all of Mr. Mueller’s advice has been edited for content by Attorney General William Barr)

Hello Bob!

I’m not sure if you remember me? It’s me, Lori Loughlin! You wrote several dozen letters to me during my tenure as Aunt Becky during the original run of Full House, but that was quite awhile ago! Sorry that I never got back to you! It’s a grind, as I’m sure that you can imagine. The cease and desist letters that I had my attorney send were meant as a joke of sorts, so I can only hope that they were received in the same spirit with which they were sent. I had two young daughters at that time, and a working mom has to work twice as hard in order to get her kids everything that they need. Ponies and yachts don’t just show up on your private island by themselves, you know!

Now you’ve been busy and in the news yourself recently, so maybe you haven’t heard, but I’m in quite the pickle of late! Rather than bother you with the details, which my attorneys have advised against, I’ll instead refer you to the TMZ web-site homepage, where you will get all of the details that you need and probably more.

I would greatly appreciate any and all legal advice that you could provide! I’ve also included that personally autographed photo that you requested all of those years ago! (sorry that I’m crying in the photo, which is from a recent press conference, as I had no publicity pics available to send at the time).

Full House Arrest

Hi there Lori… Sorry to hear about your recent legal troubles. I feel certain that I never viewed your program, nor attempted any correspondence. I simply ██████████████, and furthermore,██████████████. Regardless, your legal troubles seem to be ███████, which would certainly leave you and your loved ones in a vulnerable position. Furthermore, ██████████████ and the only bright spot ██████████████. The tears in your photo, incidentally, make you even prettier, and ███████

Hey there Bob!
Hey man, what’s going on? Just me again, Jussie Smolett. What a roller coaster ride, huh? So many ups and downs. Right now it’s an up, I guess… but there are shadings of down. I got away with everything and all, but now people think that I’m a real dick. You work for the government, so you know what it’s like to have most people think that you’re a shithead. It sucks, right? I may as well have allowed myself to be pulled kicking and screaming from a feces-covered US embassy if I wanted this type of horrible publicity. I guess that I could just go hang out with Kanye, but I keep asking myself, am I really that desperate yet? God, I hope not.
Can you help me out, Bob? My index finger is hovering over Kanye’s number until I get a reply from you.

He Who Smollet, Dealt It


Hello Jussie…

I wasn’t familiar with your case, but a cursory glance has shown me ██████████████and oh my God██████████████ did you really think that ██████████████?!? And once I was able to pick my jaw up off the floor, I ██████████████ While I feel that everyone deserves a second chance, I have to say that ██████████████ and furthermore ██████████████ You should probably go ahead and give Kanye West a call, although even he will probably tell you to go ██████████████.
Thanks for ruining Empire for me, you██████████████.

Okay guy, that’s just about enough of that.

Can we just call a truce or something? We’re both big boys here, surely we can play nice. I’ve said some things, you’ve said some things… well, okay, you actually haven’t said anything. But damn, that report? Cut a guy some slack! Name your price! You like Ivanka, think that she looks nice? Yours! Melania? Yours! Both at the same time? Yours (but can I watch)?
C’mon guy, let’s be friends!

Make America Grate Again

Hello sir…██████████████You are fucked. ██████████████.