Notes From Hillary’s Diary

For the next week leading up to the election, Hillary Clinton is pushing hard. Here’s a snippet of her diary entries so far this week.

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Sunday 10/30

-Asked by a reporter what I’ll be for Halloween. I said President. He said, no, to dress up as. I said a stylish President. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.
-Asked by kid what I’ll be for Halloween. I said President. He said why not a princess like Cinderella? I said though we both rule, only one of us wears the pants in this situation. YOU CAN CALL ME CANDY, ‘CAUSE I JUST CRUSHED IT.
-Asked by Bill what I’ll be for Halloween. I said him. He has no idea why.

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Monday 10/31

-Went to Standing Rock; I don’t understand it. There were so many kids checked in here over the weekend. Sigh. Back on the bus! Good thing I have Candy Crush.
-Candy Crush got deleted when I got a new phone. Double sigh.
-Do I have candy? Checking in purse for Werthers.
-Sat on purse. Giggled a private Hillary giggle since candy was in fact, crushed.
-Just realized when I got a new phone I asked Yeltsin “Who dis?” Dis is someone angry, I now know.

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Tuesday 11/1

-Locked self in bathroom for five minutes. They were spent saying this:
“Madame President. Madaaaaame President. Who are you? (speaking out of the side of my mouth) I’m a bunny who wants tea. And you are the president of the free world.” Tee hee hee
-Will buy extra lives in Candy Crush to celebrate! Also, will buy Bill balloons. Tell no one.

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Wednesday 11/2

-Breakfast at Denny’s in Des Moines Il. to show down home support.
-Shaking hands and kissing babies left and right at This Strip Mall, a strip club where women are their own entrepreneurs.
-Lunch at Denny’s in Hays Ks. to show down home support.
-Making candles with school kids to show children are our future but our past is candlewicks.
-Dinner at Denny’s in Wichita Ks. to show down home support.
-Dessert at Denny’s bathroom, eating a Twix. Was somewhat crushed. Giggled private Hillary giggle. Why can’t every week be this week?