Election Day Voting Checklist

Are you ready to make the arduous journey to your local voting machine? Are you sure?
Hmm… We’re not convinced. Better consult our:


Election Day Voting Checklist

Bring plenty of snacks for the trip. Fresh water and fruit for yourself, buckets of chum and lightly seasoned gristle to toss at aggressive Trump voters.

Best to avoid voting-induced aggravation. Bring along a can of mace or pepper-spray, just to be on the safe side. In the case of crusty, malodorous Trump voters, a can or two of Glade or Febreeze will usually work just as well, and maybe even better.

Don’t be alarmed by the large number of voters who are dressed in white robes and hoods. You haven’t accidentally wandered into a costume party attended by revelers who smell like a poorly maintained barn. Your dress pants, button up shirt / blouse, and sensible shoes will be fine.

When it comes to voting, lines can tend to be long, and frazzled nerves can lead to upset tummies. Just because you may have noticed that Trump voters have repeatedly soiled themselves while in line, don’t be bullied by peer pressure. Politely excuse yourself and make your way to the restroom. Maybe even point out the indoor plumbing to the Trump voters in your line; many/most of them haven’t been exposed to such luxuries.

At some point during the voting process, you may have to temporarily set up camp. While gathering the necessary items, enlist the assistance of any Hillary voter. These cautious but harmless individuals will more often than not have several sticks up their butt, which can come in handy when starting a small camp-fire.

Please, please leave your Iphones in your car / at home. Trump voters who haven’t been privy to this technology, and who are still using flip-phones at best, will accuse you of rigging the election with “your science fiction space-ray alien tv sets”. The long, yellowed toe-nails of the average Trump voter can slit your throat in the time that it takes to send a pithy text, so best not to agitate them.

Packs of Trump voters may wander over to your area. Don’t be afraid! In most cases, they are merely curious, and will keep their behavior relatively benign (ie, low guttural grunting noises, light crotch-sniffing and the like). If they begin to nuzzle your crotch while muttering “grbr pzzy” (ie, “grab her pussy”), a light tap with a rolled up copy of Harper’s or The Advocate should effectively dissuade this behavior.

Bring along a bottle of glass-cleaning liquid and a roll of sturdy paper towels. Voting machines that have been used by several Trump voters in a row are going to be more than likely coated in tobacco spat, gobs of thick, viscous drool, smeared fecal matter, and in one recent case a partially-digested baby possum had seemingly been coughed up directly onto the voting screen.