Notes to Melville (Starbuck’s)

There in a stark New England room is Herman Melville: white hair, white beard, dressed in 1850s attire, with that ever-present stern look on his face. 

The door bursts open and two network executives stride in. AMANDA, age 30, is attractive and high-powered. Trailing behind her is SIMON, late-20s, tall, thin, and well-groomed.

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Amanda
Mel, how are you?

Simon
(under his breath)
Herm…

AMANDA
(disliking SIMON’s correction)
Herm! What am I saying?
(pause)
Let me just say, “Moby Dick” IS amazing. Last night, I read every single word of the one-page coverage, and I was blown away.

SIMON
(mouthing the words)
I read the whole thing.

AMANDA
I know we’re a little pressed for time so I’ll just get into a couple of tiny little things. This is not coming from me, this is coming from Standards & Practices. First, we can’t use the name “Moby”.

SIMON
Not our fault.

AMANDA
There’s this bald little singer, I think he’s a midg –

SIMON
Little person…and I don’t think he’s a little person, is he?

AMANDA
Whatever. He’s called Moby and
he’s incredibly litigious, so we’re going to have to find another name. And — you can’t say “dick,” you can’t say “cock” or “cocksucker.”

SIMON
What about wiener?
AMANDA just stares at SIMON.
SIMON (CONT’D)
Bad idea. Anthony!!! The election!!

AMANDA
Anyway, you’re so super talented, coming up with another title should be no problem. Also, one more little thing: we can’t kill whales.

SIMON
You know the whale people!

AMANDA
Yeah, it can get ugly. We had this reality show called “Guts,” where you’d chop the head off a cat and suck its guts out. Not even like prize-winning cats, we used strays or cats people got bored with. But you’d be surprised by how many cat lovers there are out there… and they went APE SHIT.

SIMON
We still get letters.

AMANDA
Oh, and, for insurance reasons, it can’t take place on water.

SIMON
Sorry.
(Checks his phone.)
Oh, I just got a text from Jerry. He’ll be here in like, twenty seconds.

AMANDA
Now, the names. Ishmael?

SIMON
I think it’s from the Bible.

AMANDA
Oooh. Maybe something a little more accessible. Josh! Josh is from the Bible, and it’s a cool name!

SIMON
Josh. I love the name Josh.

AMANDA
And another thing: we all love Ahab, but the question is: is there too much ‘Ahab-ness’ or not enough ‘Ahab-ness’?

SIMON
Maybe both.

AMANDA
Mmm.

SIMON
Oh, and don’t forget about Starbuck.

AMANDA
Right, you can’t name anybody Starbuck.”Starbuck'”s Duh.

JERRY bursts into the room. He is a good looking, well-dressed, 40-ish network president.

JERRY
Hey, sorry I’m late.
(to AMANDA)
I was on the phone with you-know-who. What a fucking asshole.

AMANDA
It’s still not settled?

JERRY
No, but at the end of the day, It is what it is.

AMANDA
Well, if there’s anybody who can make this right, it’s you.

JERRY
Okay, where are we with this stuff?

AMANDA
Great. Just going over some of the legal stuff. Oh, what did you think of Ahab?

JERRY
Who the fuck is Ahab?

AMANDA
The boat captain guy.

JERRY
He’s called Ahab? What is that an Arab name or something? Not that Arabs are bad. Well, we can’t call anybody Ahab.

SIMON
I think it’s from the Bible, too.

JERRY
The Bible? What part? It’s gotta be somewhere  way in the back, or something. The Game Of Thrones guy comes up with a million names and they’re all great. Wait, you want a great Bible name? Jason, like from Jason and the Argonauts.

AMANDA
Perfect.

SIMON
My boyfriend’s name is Jason!

JERRY
You told him about the water and the whales, right?

AMANDA
I told him.

SIMON
So, it’s not a whale — what if it’s a clam?

AMANDA
A clam? That’s the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard. A clam?! Clams just sit there and don’t do anything! Even “Deadliest Catch” has crabs!

JERRY
No clam.

AMANDA
Oh, what if it’s a monster?

JERRY
And it lives in one of those cities like St. Louis or Pittsburgh where people don’t even live anymore? And Jason –

AMANDA
And Josh go there to save the world –

SIMON
From the monster!

JERRY
Bingo..Problem solved.
(to MELVILLE)
And it’s basically the same story.

AMANDA
(looking at her iPhone)
Oh, Herm, we’ve got another appointment, we have to scoot. Could you just e-mail me these changes?

The EXECUTIVES all turn and start to leave the room.

JERRY
What’s our next meeting?

SIMON
It’s Hawthorne, “The Scarlet Letter.”

JERRY
What the fuck is “The Scarlet Letter.”

AMANDA
It’s “Juno” with Pilgrims.

JERRY
Oh, Jesus. That’s gonna be fun.
Was that Melville guy giving me attitude? Ask these writers to change one word and they start acting like assholes.

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