Paul Ryan’s Other Teenage Dreams

“So Medicaid, sending it back to the states, capping its growth rate. You and I have been dreaming of this since we were drinking out of a keg.” —Speaker of the House Paul Ryan on Medicaid cuts, March 17, 2017  

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Ayn Rand shows up to my dorm somehow and, even though she’s 82-years-old, she’s super hot. I recite my favorite Fountainhead passages by heart and, next thing I know, it gets so steamy that we come up with a way to dismantle welfare.

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For some reason, I’m in my underwear on stage at the frat comedy showcase. I’m so nervous it’s like I’m not a white man. Then, right there on the spot, I blurt out: “Universal Health Care!” The guys can’t stop laughing and I win first place.

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A Poor shows up to the frat and tries to join. Per protocol, we keep 10 feet away, to avoid contagion. But I was brave. I somehow obtain a Star Wars lightsaber and vanquish It in front of all my brothers and they cheer so hard. They make me a cape out of $100 bills and smear my body with endangered species caviar.

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I’m on a magic carpet ride with the girl of my dreams. She is just a copy of the National Review with boobs, but I don’t care because I’m so in love. And I think to myself: When I get older, I’m going to marry her and make sure she won’t have access to basic reproductive care or bodily autonomy.

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I’m walking to class and everything looks totally normal. Then out of nowhere a weak, wrinkled specimen (I believe they call these Old People) approaches me asking for coins to catch the bus. I kill him so he doesn’t feel ashamed for having to ask for handouts.

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Ronald Reagan shows up to my dorm somehow and, even though he’s 76-years-old, he’s super hot. I recite his best speeches by heart and, next thing I know, it gets so steamy that we come up with a way to defund the entire government.

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