The Art of Perfecting the Closed-Lip SOTU Smile!

Never Before Revealed Techniques from the Complicit!



Nancy Pelosi has her work cut out for her at the State of the Union Address. She’ll need to avoid Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) because he told her to call “the wall” a “wangdoodle” and now she can’t stop reading Urban Dictionary.  Also, she’s really hoping Trump doesn’t mistake Stacey Abrams for April Ryan. But mostly, she’s worried she won’t be able to keep to keep her mouth shut as masterfully as Mike Pence and Paul Ryan did at last year’s SOTU.


Those veteran practitioners of the pious sealed-lip smile showed nary a tooth for 80 minutes—almost as long as Nancy can go without blinking before damaging her corneas.


Analysts will be looking to see if Mike Pence can match last year’s performance tonight. It won’t be easy.  With Paul Ryan’s farewell speech behind him, Pence will be short one conniving cohort. And, with Ocasio-Cortez and Rashida Tlaib in the house, some speculate the VP might crumble and part lips, if only to utter, “Sweet Jesus, rapture me now, but send someone to look after our kitty, Pickle.”


It’s important to remember…


The Vice President and former Speaker didn’t always possess the ability to breathe through congested nasal passages for days at a stretch. Their servile expressions of devotion are the result of years of strict observance; techniques employed by the most skilled deep-swamp divers; and occasionally bonding products that ensure that their incisors will never see the light of day.


All talents are not created equal, but that shouldn’t stop the ambitious climber. Anyone can perfect the art of the closed-lip smile!


Finally, their secrets are revealed!  


  1. Lesson from the Mystics


Ever wonder what the majority of GOP are doing in closed session? They’re not reading the bills they sign (that’s what lobbyists are for). No, they’re practicing breath control through Pranayama – improving their ability to keep silent as the world goes up in flames. It’s easy: Inhale through both nostrils and fill your lungs. Hold air in your throat as if you’re about to whisper something really juicy into Rachel Maddow’s ear! NOW, prepare to transform your corrupt energy into an abiding sense of peace by practicing the Five Yamas of Truthfulness, Non–Harm, Non–Stealing, Non–Greed, and Sexual Responsibility.


note: If the prospect of practicing these Yamas gives you an uncontrollable sense of nervousness and foreboding, alternatively keep a small statue in your room –  something that inspires, like the Buddha, or a bobble-head of Sean Hannity.  Stare at it and hold your breath until your lungs shrink to the size of two Trump Hotel Sueded Moss Bath Bombs.


  1. Ventriloquism — Inspiration from GOP Dummies and One Soviet Puppet!


Sit in front of a mirror, open your mouth slightly and smile. Make sure you can’t see your tongue when it moves. Breathe normally and cite scripture to mourn deadly shootings. Next, practice your pitch for a campaign contribution from the NRA.


  1. Optimize Your Wind Capacity Take up the Flugelhorn (or if you anticipate business in the Ukraine, the Telenka).


  1. Project your Zen


A credible sidekick exudes satisfaction at POTUS’ every word. Take Pence’s technique: while Trump’s associates flip faster than Olga Korbut on a balance beam, the Veep simply meditates on that special feeling he gets when Mother brings his slippers and nightly bottle of O’Doul’s alcohol-free beer. Identify a visual mantra—an image to help you keep focus. This technique will allow you project an aura of conviction, even during the president’s most violent outbursts of incomprehensible gibberish.


  1. Lip Adhesive


Elmer’s Glue was formerly the adhesive of choice for the fawning politician—it’s non-toxic, dries quickly, and leftovers are perfect for piecing 45’s hand-shredded paper back together for the National Archives. NOW, thanks to Karen Pence’s passion for maintaining bee hives at the family home, Mother can enjoy a bit of sunshine in her tea, while equipping her husband with beeswax resin—the perfect lip-sealer for the determined nodding sycophant.


  1. The Affirming Head Tilt


The importance of The Affirming Head Tilt cannot be overstated. The Epley maneuver—an exercise normally used to treat benign positional vertigo—is the perfect prep for The Tilt. It can also be done in the comfort of your marital bed after having missionary style sex with your wife for the sole purpose of procreation. Lie on your back, tilt your head 45 degrees, hold for 90 seconds and tell your wife she can call it a “wall” if she doesn’t want to call it a “wangdoodle.”


  1. Advanced Move — Master the SOTU Stand & Clap


1) Rise as best as your spineless body permits.


2) Clap like you give a flying fuck.


3) Gaze at the ass clownery with the degree of admiration you’d normally reserve for mathematicians capable of solving the Hodge Conjecture.


Are YOU ready to employ these techniques? Are you ready to claim the Favor and Advantage YOU Deserve! Think like a gold-digger, inhale like a pearl diver. Ready, set ….