Planet Earth’s Sexual Fantasies

Dam Edging: It starts with the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. It’ll take years. Years. Back and forth, back and forth. Scientists producing data of their naughty doings. Slowly they’ll tease me, releasing a few small dams here and there, but never bringing me to completion. After years of edging, they’ll finally let me have it. Releasing big dam after big dam. I come repeatedly as my waters flow freely and replenish my struggling streams, creeks, and rivers.

Climate Climax: Instead of the unreliability of our destroyed climate, I wake one morning to normal weather for a June day. The heat becomes intense on my high alpine earth. I relish in the feeling. Then, slowly, snow starts to melt down my slopes and into my waterways. Cold water flows over my sunbaked rocks. My rivers swell with release. The pleasure of a low wildfire year is so intense I nearly faint.

Clean Water Fetish: My oceans are filthy and this is all about making me clean, baby. I’ll beg you to dip your hands inside me and pull out the pounds of plastic blocking sunlight to my deepest depths. Yes, yes! Clean me with your plastic and trash removal machines!

Electric Car Dominatrix: The change will be slow, but eventually she will dominate me with her industry leading vehicles. She’ll make me beg for her electric cars. I’ll plead for diesel exhaust and smog-filled air, but her new world will make me feel the deepest satisfaction I have ever known. She’ll punish me with clean air, better ozone days, and reduced carbon-emissions. Oh! Make me beg for it!

Controlled Burn: It is hot. So hot I think I might just set aflame. The Forest Service will taunt me for months leading up to my hottest months. Will she or won’t she burst into flames? First, they’ll let some of their goats nibble and bite me, making me lust for more. Then, they’ll finally give me what I want: prescribed burns. How I will yearn for those tiny, delightful orgasms of heat and pleasure. Oh, yes! More!

Clean Air Asphyxiation: Picture us in the heart of coal country, where black lung and environmental destruction reign king. But not today. Today, you’re going to shut down your coal plants. I’ll beg and beg and beg and finally you’ll give in. In a sweeping move that will leave me breathless and shaking, you’ll shut down every plant in West Virginia. And then, when I am an exhausted heap, telling you I can’t take anymore, you’ll continue to shut down plants across the rest of the United States. For the first time in centuries, I’ll wake to clean air and smog-free skies. My unencumbered breathing will bring me the greatest satisfaction I have ever known.

Robust Recycling: Do you hear that? That’s the sound of thousands of pounds of recycling being sorted and reused. Oh, yes! Sort me! Upcycle me! Upcharge me at a vintage boutique! Oh, the intense bliss from you sorting me into the proper trash cans and composting my food waste into your small kitchen compost bin. Oh, please, use me…again, and again, and again.