Relax Ladies – I’m Totally Ready to be an Unintended Dad
A bunch of girls freaked out last week when news leaked that the US Supreme Court has likely voted to overturn Roe v. Wade. Then they interrupted me watching the NBA playoffs to tell me that men should care about this issue too because it is a matter of human rights, and it also affects us. And to that I say, relax ladies – I do care! If it happens, I’m totally ready to be an unintended dad. Now move that uterus out of the way of the TV.
I don’t see what the big deal here is. As a straight, white, cis-gender man, I’ve gotten into my share of “questionable” situations that I didn’t really think through, and let me tell you – I know it will work out just fine for me! Sure I might be called a knucklehead, but our society accepts that “boys will be boys” with little to no accountability. All we have to do is make a half-hearted apology and/or cry about being accused of something, and then wait to be awarded a Grammy for Best Comedy Album or appointed as the 114th Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court.
I don’t see why this whole Roe thing really changes anything. Don’t worry, I’m ready to largely decide how much, if at all, I participate in raising and financially supporting any children that may result from my actions. I am more than ready to be the “fun” parent and to do less than half of the parenting work, on average. I may not intend to get someone pregnant, but I am more than ready to accept the responsibility that has always come with being a white man in this country.
I’m also ready to not have to be the one to go through the physiological and psychological experience of being pregnant and giving birth. But if I were forced to get a vasectomy – or to even voluntarily take a daily birth control pill – to prevent causing an unintended pregnancy, I would no doubt react with the chillaxed acceptance that us men have historically had about anything remotely unwelcome or potentially painful happening to or near our genitals.
Sure, “good guys” might care about this because they would actually take responsibility when faced with an unintended pregnancy, or might have partners who need abortions for other reasons, or are not total sociopaths devoid of compassion, empathy, and knowledge that reproductive freedom is a necessity just because they themselves can’t get pregnant. But I’m not one of those nerds who gets all caught up trying to understand irrelevant things like human rights or the female orgasm .
Now don’t fret ladies, I’ll still be here for you, to help you realize that you just need to calm down about all this. I’ve got your back – I’m totally down to babysit if I accidentally knock you up. Unless it’s like the playoffs, or the weekend. Like my ex-girlfriend once told me, behind every woman about to lose her bodily autonomy is a man who doesn’t get it, telling her she is overreacting.
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Meg Reid is a satirist and humor writer. She is a contributor at The Onion, McSweeney’s and Reductress. You can also find her work in Points in Case, Slackjaw, The Belladonna, and End of the Bench, among other publications. You can find her rants and ramblings on Twitter, Instagram, and Medium.
