Sorry, Kid, No Handouts – Here’s How You Can Earn Your Halloween Candy

Carry Your Own Pillow Case Full Of Candy, For the Love of God: Real Americans carry their own weight, even if they’re only 65 pounds. If you really want this candy, you wouldn’t have to rely on your parents to carry your pillow case that you use to collect your free hand outs. Mommy’s not always going to be around to put dinner on the table and wash your ass, so it’s time to start chipping in around the house, and that starts with carrying your own sack. So sack up!

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Work 40 Hours A Week At A Lemonade Stand: Working isn’t fun, but guess what is? Eating fun size 3 Musketeers, bud. If you come knocking on my door screaming that little Trick or Treat Smell My Feet song and dance, you’ll need to back that up with your most recent pay stubs from your lemonade stand where you charge 50 cents a cup. Yes little boy, I know what you’re going to ask – a W-2 form will work here.

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Trade Your Candy for My Healthy Food: Beggars can’t be choosers. If you’re looking for candy, you don’t seem like the type of kid who can make responsible decisions for themselves in the first place. If I’m going to come to your aid (because I’m a God-fearing Christian and my HOA requires that we hand out candy), I want to know that you’re eating cheap yet healthy food, not candy cigarettes, Pop Rocks, and Snickers, the prime rib of Halloween candy. Trade me your sack and I’ll hand you a brown banana and an expired package of turkey lunch meat instead. There’s your protein!

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Prove You Have a Clean Criminal Record: Sorry, not sorry but I don’t want child felons to be knocking on my door asking for an Almond Joy. Even if you’re not technically a murderer, I have a proud ‘tough on crime’ stance. Stealing from the cookie jars is theft and lying to the teacher that your dog ate your homework is perjury – both deserve life in prison if I was a judge. Think about how much you love your little Reese’s Pieces before you throw a tantrum in the toy aisle at Walmart.

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Pay Up: Want to get things done like a real adult? Pay your hard-earned tooth fairy money and  bribe me. Cigarettes, hooch, allowance money and you’ll get all the candy in the world. This is how business is done, and the younger you learn, the more likely you’d succeed as a Congressman.

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Pass a Drug Test: I refuse to give out my hard-earned Good & Plenty to kids high on drugs. Is that cocaine on your lips? I can see that you have an empty Pixie Stick package in your hand, but I’m going to assume it’s cocaine, for my sake. Looking at how hyperactive you are, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were under the influence, so I’ll have to test you. Luckily I have some at-home drug tests on hand, for when my nephew Dylan who likes Dave Matthews Band comes to visit.

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Burn The Midnight Oil: Oh it’s a school night? Your bedtime is 8 p.m.? Well if you want this small, 1 oz. bag of M&Ms, you’re going to have to burn the midnight oil and ring my doorbell to show that you’re willing to work. Even if you’re in your Paw Patrol onesie, you need to drive yourself over in your Hot Wheels car at 9:30 p.m. because hard-working Americans like us with a bad work-life balance don’t clock out at 5 p.m.

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Put An #OpenToWork Badge On Your LinkedIn Profile Picture: Yeah, you may be scared of the dark and the 12-foot skeleton in my yard, but are you brave enough to be vulnerable on LinkedIn? You may be only 8-years-old but if you don’t have a job right now, that means you’re unemployed and you’re going to need to at least prove you’re adult enough to admit it. The #OpenToWork badge on your LinkedIn profile that I know you have shows me you’re serious about getting a job and receiving a mini Kit Kat bar.

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Lay Down Your Assets: I’m not privy to pandering to kids who take advantage of the system. What candy do you already have? Spread it all out on the front lawn that I never mow and show me. Wow, two king-sized Reese’s? Numerous Skittles packages, and a plethora of Twix? Seems like someone’s already been taken care of by other people like me who actually work for their candy. Scram, now!