TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch
The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it’s topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch. Below is the transcript of that talk.
Country Crock Brock- Grinch! My man! Welcome to the Country Crock Podcast!
The Grinch- Hello there! Thank you for having me on your program.
CCB- Absolutely! Now first of all, I love the new look. Is this a dye job, or was green not your natural fur color in the first place?
TG- That’s correct, it wasn’t. The green color was more or less a reflection of the rebellious period that I was going through at the time. Sort of like my “punk” phase.
CCB- Well, if there’s one thing that I’m familiar with, it’s that the ladies love a bad boy! And they didn’t come any nastier than The Grinch, am I right? Is there currently a Ms. Grinch?
TG- Well, no. Beginning a relationship while in recovery is considered something of a no-no. Also, I was chemically castrated several years ago due to one of my earlier “public outbursts”, so I don’t really have much of an interest in dating.
CCB- Oh, I see. Well, the new color looks great! Would you call that a shade of sandalwood, a creamy beige perhaps?
TG- Er… I suppose.
CCB- And speaking of creamy, keep your holidays festive and delicious with our line of creamy Country Crock products! I’m pretty sure that The Grinch would concur, yes?
TG- I’m not sure what you’re asking?
CCB- That’s okay, let’s just keep going. Now that you’ve turned your life around in a positive way, does the You’re A Mean One, Mister Grinch song hurt your feelings at all?
TG- Well, sure… it stings a bit. It’s a very hateful song. But the citizens of Whoville needed an outlet for their rage, and I understand that. I don’t want to victim-shame. And it is a pretty clever song, if a bit ugly. I have to admit that I don’t understand why they feel the need to play it over and over on the radio during the holidays, though. I just want to be allowed to live my new life. I want to leave all of that behind me now.
CCB- So you’re still on the straight and narrow, following your Christmas conversion several years ago?
TG- Oh, yes. I mean, I backslide every now and then, of course. Last year I threw a bag of garbage through a neighbor’s window on Christmas Eve. Broken glass and spoiled food everywhere. But I came back in the morning and helped them clean up. It doesn’t happen overnight, regardless of what was shown on the televised program detailing the events of my breakthrough.
CCB- Sounds pretty rough.
TG- It’s not easy, I’ll grant you that. Just like they say, one day at a time. Follow the steps. Things tend to get a bit darker around the holidays, of course, but Whoville has an excellent crisis line that’s available 24/7.
CCB- I totally get where you’re coming from. I mean, I don’t even decorate for the holidays anymore. Not even a little tree or something! So if you tried to break into my house to steal all of my Christmas stuff, you’d be out of luck!
TG- Well, as I was saying, I don’t really do that anym…
CCB- Looks like we’re just about out of time for this episode of The Country Crock Podcast! Thanks to our special guest The Grinch, as well as our regular caller Todd, who continues to dazzle us with his various uses for Country Crock’s line of buttery spreads. Who knew that our fine products would be good for soothing chapped nipples?
TG- Oh, is that right?
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence