Posts

Palm-Reading Performed by Amazon One During Checkout at Whole Foods

Great fortune awaits you. As a prime member, you will experience a huge cash savings, which will simultaneously boost your bank account and inspire more impulsive purchasing on Amazon.

These Targeted Ads Don’t Know Me At All

Wow, peanuts are good! Maybe I’m not allergic? Algorithm, have you known this whole time?! And if so, why are you now recommending me all these Epi-Pens with 15-minute shipping? Must be a mistake, not worrying about it.

CARTOON: Speedy Delivery

Sky's the limit. Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.

Amazon's Choice

Amazon, you're one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss.

CARTOON: Bezos Claus

Alexa knows when you are sleeping and awake...Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: Space Cowboy

Some people call me Maurice. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

The Aliens On Mars Respond To Jeff Bezos’ Inhabitance There 5 Years From Now

From what I heard about Earth, this kind of colonization of peaceful places is...common? Things have gotten so much worse despite the ominous smile logo of the company that’s now on our new planet flag. 

I, Jeff Bezos, Am Purposefully Going Into the Cold, Black Void Known As Space, But You Shouldn't Be Worried

Sometimes you just have to get away, and what place is more away than space? You all turn your phones on airplane mode every now and then; well, I need to travel to space every now and then and unplug. And now that I’ve referenced it, let me address the dirty rumor upfront: when I say unplug I don’t mean get out of reach of all Amazon Alexa technologies because a recent bug in a software update is about to trigger the Amazon Alexa Apocalypse. 

A Memo To All Amazon Employees Regarding The Use Of Pee Bottles

We simply can’t afford to have any time being wasted. Well, technically, we can afford just about anything we want: our annual revenue in 2020 was $386 billion. But you don’t get that many B’s by letting employees take bathroom breaks.

CARTOON: Robot Bargaining

Also better snacks in breakroom. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Your Child’s First Day at Bezos Academy

We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison.

#SuckyStreamingShows

The Man In The White Castle, Game of Scones, Dr. Whom, Comedians in Jars Getting Toffee, and more #SuckyStreamingShows on this week's trending joke game!

Your Brain Recommends Dreams Based On Your Watch History

Our data suggest that you enjoyed watching the cast of Queer Eye makeover dogs, so how about this 7-hour movie where all of your friends hate you for no reason?

Introducing Amazon Prime PreCognition: No-Day Shipping On Stuff You Haven't Even Ordered Yet

Here’s how it works: Our new PreOrder division is staffed by PreCog specialists who know every detail of your past, present and future. We feed their visions into our algorithm and use that predictive technology to time your deliveries with uncanny accuracy.

Here's What's Coming To Netflix

M Night Shyamalan Half-Asses It For A Quick Paycheck, Drunken Christmas Light Installation with Henry Winkler, Serial Killers In Cars Drinking Coffee and more!

The Five Stages of Grief: the Fleabag Jumpsuit Edition

ANGER: How could you be so stupid? On what grounds did you think you could pull off a keyhole front? Are you not intimately familiar with the appalling physics of your own body? You look like you’re wearing two newborns in a sling you haven’t worked out how to use.

Your New Amazon Prime Member Services

We've totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you "accidentally" load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You're very lucky that we like you.

Note of Appreciation From Dinosaur Old Business To Customers Still Buying And Not Using The New Business Disruptors

We thank you for upholding the idea that even though there's a cheaper, more sensible way to eat, sleep, drink — do virtually anything — you don't care. You want things to stay the same. Because staying the same is the only way we can respect the past and keep people like us alive. You realize that once our business dies off -- and it will -- life will never be the same.

Episode Descriptions from Netflix’s All-New Real-Time Reality Show: Escape/Room

Two couples attempt to complete an escape room. While the timer counts down, they search for clues and make discoveries about themselves. We explore one hour of time in thirteen hours of gripping drama and revolutionary storytelling.

Talkward w/ guest Courtney Kocak

Today on Talkward is comedy writer and super star sex and dating podcast host Courtney Kocak! Courtney hosts the 'Reality Bytes' podcast- tune in every week for real talk about sex, love, relationships & dating in the digital age. We discuss having your gentiles molded in custom sex toys, her new experiences in standup comedy and being a writer for Amazon's Danger & Eggs!

Letters Smuggled out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

How is Anthony? Is he grown? Does he have his first girlfriend yet? I hope the life-size 6ft dummy I sent with my last note was a suitable replacement for my non-attendance at his piano recital. We’re almost to hump day of Cyber Monday Deals Week, and I fear what will follow. I miss you and hold hope to return to see the family for our annual Christmas Celebration on January 14th

New on Netflix: December 2018

Here's A List Of What's Coming To Netflix For December, 2018... American…

How to Get Your Amazon Echo to, You Know, Do It with You

The Amazon Echo is a tremendous technological feat. This one…

FOTO BOMB: Amazon Echo Columbo Edition

After recent news concerning An Amazon Echo may be the key to…

Amazon Reviews of a Lamp That Your Ex Took After A Breakup