Posts

Highly Probable First Words of Anxious Babies Immediately After Leaving the Womb

“Does this afterbirth make me look fat?”

Our Baby Is Going To Be Really Chill

I know what you’re thinking: What if the baby doesn’t sleep through the night? Umm, did you forget that our baby is going to be a chill baby? In the unlikely event that our baby can’t sleep, I’m confident that our infant will pop in his or her “Pure Moods” CD and read a few pages of Hemingway’s “The Old Man and the Sea.” before drifting off in no time at all.

The Whole Purpose of “Females” at Different Life Stages According to JD Vance

Toddler: Speak the first, most important, and only words any female should ever use: “Yes, Father.” Take care of dolls and prepare fake meals in a plastic kitchen. Be a good girl and bring Father another real beer.

CARTOON: Slumber Stories

Yawn Patrol. Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.

Baby Babble Translations for New Moms

jah-cho-cho-cho = Look what I found in the cat litter box. yai-yai pokka da = Where’s your good sweater? Hurry, I have to puke. catzakup poodo = Soon enough I won’t need you, except to drive me places. And more!

CARTOON: Bird Words

Baby booked. Today's cartoon by Mira Scharf.

CARTOON: Cat Person

Allergic to crying. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Ups & Downs

BRB. Today's cartoon by Frega DiPerri.

CARTOON: My Four-Year-Old Rates Cups

This will effect your tip. Today's cartoon by Rachel Deutsch.

9 Interesting Facts About Babies For People Thinking About Having One

A personal frustration, but when my baby was born I was shocked to learn that he hadn’t seen any of the Rocky movies. I remember once when I was burping him in a crowded park and someone’s phone rang with “Eye of the Tiger” as the ringtone and I said to my baby “Rocky III, nice!” And I could tell based on his wide-eyes and lack of response that the little guy had no idea what I was talking about.

Reasons That I'm Not Coming To Your Baby Shower

You're not having a baby;  you're considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year.     Look, that's great and all, but I'm not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever.    You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.

An Open Letter of Apology to My Future Self For Introducing Our Toddler to “Whoomp, There It Is” by Tag Team 

It won’t seem that bad the first dozen times you have Tag Team in full effect, kicking the flow with DC The Brain Supreme, and his man Steve Roll’n. We’re party people, right? We like to jump, jump rejoice, just like anyone else does. You might even think you imagined the potential harm that my decision could cause. But if I let you believe that, I’d be gaslighting you. The party is over here and it’s over there.

CARTOON: Speak & Spell

Hooked on phonics? Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Blow the Roof Off Your Gender Reveal Party With Kickass Pyrotechnics From These Baby-Themed Cover Bands For Hire

Quiet (It’s Nap Time) Riot, Insane Clown Pacifier, Guns N’ Roses N’ Button Noses, and more!

CARTOON: Gender Reveal

Looks like rain. Today's cartoon by Ed Naylor.

Little Orville

You can distract him with one of his toys like Wally the Walrus (in kiddie pool in spare bedroom). Orville likes the water warm enough to poach an egg but Wally needs it cool as the ocean where we found him. They’ll have to work out a compromise.

What to Do When Your Screaming Autocrat Won’t Leave the White House

Offer a choice. This will make him feel like he has some say in the matter, even though he doesn’t. “On the way home, do you want us to keep counting the votes in Pennsylvania or stop counting them?”

Alexa, I Know American Democracy is On the Edge of Collapse, But I Need You To Play Baby Beluga by Raffi

Hey Alexa, I get it. America is about to have its second Civil War. We are a flaming pile of shit. There are a lot of noises in this house, lots of stuff being screamed at the TV, but I need you to focus up: my baby refuses to let me wipe her ass unless you play Baby Beluga by Raffi. You need to play Baby Beluga by Raffi.

Rejected Names For The Royal Baby

Chunderly, Prince Princely Pooferpants, Brexie and more.

CARTOON: Baby Burp

Work Risks. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

To My Fellow Passengers On Flight AA129

It goes without saying that you should feel free to come by and give Mommy any parenting advice you see fit, or yell at us, or just glare (we’re pretty used to it from the subway!).

Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone's Mom

Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!

CARTOON: Infant Insights

Got your nose? Today's cartoon by Evan Lian.

CARTOON: Baby Change Station

Epic Gender Reveal Party Theme Ideas for Men

Football Game Gender Reveal: Hire two professional football…

College Admits 10 Month Old Infant Genius

FRANKFORT, Kentucky -- Most 10 month old babies are still pre-occupied…

CARTOON: Occupational Hazards

Baby Born With Antlers

NOME, Alaska - Rachel Binster was expecting twins. The one thing…

Scenes From Your Nihilistic Domestic Existence

First Steps   SPOUSE: Wait, did the baby just walk?   YOU:…

I am 100% Committed to Being a Dad 24 Minutes a Day

Before our son was born, I couldn’t quite comprehend how my…

Your Pregnancy Week By Week: Meat Lovers Edition

LISTEN TO THIS ARTICLE We think that getting weekly email…

It's Time to Meet the 2017 RNC Babies!

What do you get when you mix $7 Bud Lights with 50,000 pro-life…