Flies the Democratic Candidates Are Dropping Like
House flies
Senate flies
Flies who joined in the swarm of flies in the beginning because it seemed like a good idea at the time
Flies who had some good ideas about flying but had never actually flown in any official capacity
Flies who made some buzz every now and then but otherwise everyone sort of forgot they were there
Flies who couldn’t appeal to the larvae
Flies who only appealed to the larvae
Non-white flies
Flies who, realistically, can accomplish more on the ground
Flies who could never get off the ground in the first place
No seriously, pretty much only the non-white flies seem to be dropping?
“Flies on the wall,” where “the wall” represents “the margins of an already overcrowded primary race.”
Flies who kept being edged off the debate stage by rich old white flies who are still flying for some fucking reason.
I mean honestly, who even are some of these flies?
Flies who realized they were fighting the other flies for a spot on top of a steaming pile of shit, which, if you stop to think about it, seems pretty silly.
Flies who could have been a great candidate and now everyone kind of regrets ignoring them.
That last one was Kamala Harris.
Flies in the year 2030—if we don’t elect the right fly in 2020—which is when the UN predicts climate catastrophe will hit and, who knows, maybe fly climates will be too warm for flies to even inhabit the Earth? Maybe there won’t even BE any more flies?
Anyway, for the love of god, just vote for the last blue fly flying.
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Karly Brooks is a writer living in Brooklyn with her roommate’s dog and also her roommates. Her writing has appeared on McSweeney’s, BuzzFeed, The Belladonna, Weekly Humorist, a few ads and her Twitter (@brookskarly). Her hobbies include reading and writing, which is sort of sad since her day job is also mostly reading and writing. She should really find another day job.
