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Christmas Songs For Spinsters

O Horny Night, You're a Mean One, Mr. Hinge, Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town, I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas, and many more!

 I’m Building A Wall Around My Heart, And This Wall Will Have A Glory Hole

Okay, first of all, I’m not being reactionary here; this is not an excuse to be dramatic and throw a hissy fit.   But the current situation in my love life has become untenable, and I have therefore been forced into a corner where my only option is to build a towering, securely built wall around my heart.   And this wall will contain a glory hole.

CARTOON: Airborne Anticipation

Ding. You have no friends. Today's cartoon by Michael Litwak.

CARTOON: Retirement?

Maybe those golden years of driving a Uber. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

CARTOON: Solo Ride

Aww, yes you do! Today's cartoon by K. A. Polzin.

GLUMMER Magazine

It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn't: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!

Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental

These clowns are medicated right up to their blue-tear painted eyeballs and straight through their red noses (some of them snort depression cocaine). You name it, these clowns have been prescribed it. Zoloft, Prozac, low-doses of Morphine. The FDA has recently approved a new and very special niche medication, Klownopin.

Newsbleak Magazine

Study Confirms: We're All Gonna Die! HEALTH: That Thing On Your Neck? Yikes, Better Have Someone Take A Look! CRYPTO: Please Don't Use It To Buy Our Magazine, and more bad news in Newsbleak Magazine!

Monopoly for Millennials: The Updated Rulebook

Preparation: Each player chooses one token to represent themself while traveling around the board. Tokens include: Oat Milk, iPhone with Cracked Screen, Weed Gummy Bear, Podcast Microphone, Ill-Fitting Bridesmaid Dress (must replace after each use), Zoloft Tablet, Laughing Crying Face Emoji, Thimble - Each player starts with $1,500, but some players must give the Banker $100 every 10 minutes, in an effort to pay off their student debt. 

Yoga Poses To Help You Feel Closer To Death

Mountain of Regret Pose: While seated, hug knees to your chest and drop your head into your legs, so that your shadow resembles a mountain. Hold it there as a way of drowning out the sounds of all your poor life choices surrounding you. Many prefer an alcoholic beverage to enhance the effects of the Mountain of Regret pose, but please exercise moderation, or you will find yourself stuck in this pose indefinitely.

How to Deal With Rejection Like a Professional

Make rejection your brand and try to monetize that somehow. Reflect on the fact that others who have found great success are significantly younger or older than you... but no one is exactly your age. Consult an attorney about suing for some kind of age discrimination. Scream into the void. And more!

CARTOON: Scream Pillow

Covered in good vibes. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

I Regret Becoming a Millionaire in My 20s

I’m not asking for your sympathy, I’m just asking for a little empathy and some friends who will pay me back when I Venmo request them for the birthday dinner they didn’t treat me to, leaving me to coordinate transportation between mainland Chile and the South Pole igloo where we dined on foie gras while Yo-Yo Ma played the cello and cried. 

8 Public Venmo Exchanges your Subconcious Didn't Need to Overanalyze Today

$42.00 from your therapist to her friend Krista for “cocktails Thursday night” - only two hours after your evening session. Is your stress so damn taxing on your therapist that she simply has no choice but to drink her annoyance away? Are you what’s pushing her to have to unwind like this? This feels like a slippery slope.

The 5 Stages Of Grief, Election Loss Edition

Bargaining (With Rudy) In a nice twist on a classic, the two biggest rats are desperately clinging to one another as the ship quickly sinks.    Do your final sneaky, slimy favors for one another for old times sake, and then please just disappear beneath the surface of the water forever.

Help! I’ve Started Crafting And I Can’t Stop

Help! I’ve put my shower curtain through a shredder and then glued it back together—like the blog instructions said—and now there is water everywhere. 

#DepressedDrinks

Grim & Tonic, Mountain Blue, Red Whine, and more #DepressedDrinks on this week's trending joke game!

Have You Heard The One About President Trump?

With a gleam in his eye, the doctor jibes: “That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual, because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left!”

CARTOON: Luckless

Also all pots of gold will now be filled with toilet paper. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: There's a Nap For That

Which nap is right for you? Today's cartoon by Lance Hansen.

CARTOON: Moody Moon

Not feeling out of this world? Today's cartoon by Jack Loftus.

Cereal Prizes for Adults

Windshield wiper, A 15 min nap, A millennial slang decoder ring and more!

Valentine's From Your Mom's New Boyfriend

You're a HOOT...by the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.

Childhood Games Updated For Adulthood

All your favorites! Truth or Dare To Speak To Your Manager, Duck, Duck; Sagging Caboose, 7 Minutes in the Dermatologist’s Office, Musical Chairs With Lumbar Support and more.

The Tri-State Area’s Lowest-Rated Birthday Party Clowns

The Clown That Ran Over Your Dog While He Was Parking, and Diabeeto: The Clown That Needs to Give Himself a Shot Real Quick. Smile!

Sea Monkeys, A Starter Kit for Disappointment

Long before Facebook and Instagram gave the masses the tools…

Do You Need A Pep Talk?

I can tell from your appearance that you need a pep talk. I…

Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1)…

Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World

Finding Chemo The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job The…

CARTOON: InstaSad

Extreme Vetting

"We take you live to New York City's John F. Kennedy International…