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How My Trip Abroad Went, Translated

I couldn't believe how fast the trip went = It was the longest two weeks of my life.

CARTOON: Out Of Office

Vacation Days. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

No-Nonsense Guest WiFi Passwords

Premi$e$MayNotBUsed4film$hoot$ WeCountTowels DontsharethisPWDwithLocalLowlifes And more!

Ten Tips for Wives to Better Understand Their Husband of 20+ Years While on a Beach Vacation

Purchases of t-shirts by your husband from beach breweries will never exceed the amount of decorative whale pillows you purchase from artsy beach stores, even if it feels like it.

Simple Airbnb Check-Out Instructions From Your Host

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

CARTOON: Vacation Mode

Sunning your gutter. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

CARTOON: Detected

In for a neat treat. Today's cartoon by Rachelle Meyer.

Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions

PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns.  Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it's all he eats and it shows (smells)! As usual with this particular event, porta-potties are in high demand yet short supply, so please plan accordingly.

Hello My So-Called Plant Sitter, Care To Explain These 45 Dead Ferns?

When I left you a voicemail asking if you could watch my ferns, and you never got back to me, I assumed your silence meant you had no questions about the intensive two-week care regimen I’d detailed. Well, apparently you had lots of questions. Given the carnage in the apartment, it’s as if you never listened to my voicemail, and spent the past two weeks in blissful ignorance, never knowing the arduous responsibility I had thrust upon you. 

Renthouse Magazine

Full Frontal Or Back Door; How To Enter That Rental, Should The Carpets Match The Drapes? (Like design-wise, pervert) and more in Renthouse Magazine.

Concierge Script for Meditative Retreat (Not a Raccoon-Infested Cabin)

Breakfast is cancelled this morning on account of one of mother earth’s little darlings breaking through the vent and sneaking off with the eggs. Fret not, our renowned cabin chef will make smoothies. No, those aren’t teeth marks. Those peaches are just very tenderized. Nothing like a healthy morning drink to set your meditative mind in veg-mode.

CARTOON: Sinking Summer

Life's a beach. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

Travel The Safe Way This Spring Break: In A Covered Wagon

Experience America the way the early Americans did: in a covered wagon, a.k.a. the Conestoga wagon a.k.a. the prairie schooner! Our covered wagon partners will cart you and your family wherever the heck you’d all like to go. Just bear in mind, covered wagons have way worse heat than your old 1982 Toyota Corolla wagon, and we won’t be held responsible for frostbite. No smoking or open fires allowed in wagons.

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

CARTOON: Time Off?

Home is where we always are. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: Ahoy!

You sure? You should see the buffet! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Capitilizing on Coronavirus

Purell Park: Guaranteed to kill 99% of the fun! And more business ideas in today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

CARTOON: Guilt Trip

Look but don't touch! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Tips for Closing Up Your Summer Home 

Did the neighbors see anything? Do they know? What is seen can never be unseen, but dead mouths tell no tales. Act accordingly.

A Word Of Warning, Everyone Who Swims In The Pool Of This Hampton Inn Drowns

Yes indeed, everyone single person who swims in The Pool drowns. There have been hundreds of deaths. We had to install an incinerator in the basement to keep up with all the bodies. The wifi code is HamptonSmiles45. 

Welcome to Our Historic Castle and No You May Not Skinny Dip in the Moat

Which brings us to our last stop, the gatehouse and moat. Seriously, sir, why are your pants off. Sir! SIR! I don’t care if you read that medieval people skinny dipped in the moat, we’re not doing it now. This is the twenty first century.

CARTOON: Back To School

Your Basic Economy Flight Add-Ons

Seating $50: upgrade from inside the wooden crate in the luggage compartment to a seat on top of a battered suitcase in the luggage compartment. $150: upgrade to the toilet when it’s not occupied.

Worst Vacation Roadside Attractions

Tovar's Wide World Of Raisins:   What seems initially to…

Most Affordable Memorial Day Weekend Getaways

Everyone you know is going somewhere this weekend. So if you're…

Welcome To Our Home – Instructions From Your Airbnb Hosts

Dear        Mr. Brody    , WELCOME!  We are delighted…

The Death Of America Takes A Holiday: Trump's Vacation Journal

Day 1 "Journal... may I call you Journal? Today was sort of…

Vacation Hotel Tips!

1) Most inexpensive motels don't have room service, but that…

How The Obamas Spent Their Vacation In The British Virgin Islands

When the Obamas departed from the White House on January 20th,…

Classic Romantic Comedies If They Were Set In Present Day

1. When Harry Met Sally   Instead of it taking Harry…