Ten Reasons Why I Still Plan to Consume Alcohol Next Weekend Despite Being on Anti-Inflammatory Medication
1. The label on the bottle of pills I received at the pharmacy does not have an alcohol warning. It merely contains the doctor’s name, a phone number to call if I need help, and a few other statements I can’t see due to blurry vision resulting from spiked blood sugar levels.
2. If there truly is a problem with recreational substance abuse while taking anti-inflammatory meds, then I think only heavy alcoholics who drink every single night should be worried. I’m not a heavy alcoholic. I’m just a weekend warrior. In other words, the act of mixing alcohol with these pills only has a small window of opportunity to create any long-term damage to my cognitive abilities.
3. I’ve never been a huge fan of the holistic approach to physical and mental well-being. As far as I’m concerned, every part of my body has its own special and unique set of functions. So why should my heart, stomach, liver, or kidneys be adversely affected by the simple act of washing down a pill meant to heal the inflamed bursa in my left shoulder with a gallon of beer?
4. The nurse who gave me a shot specifically told me to avoid strenuous activities such as playing tennis and heavy lifting. She never said that I couldn’t immediately drive to the liquor store after leaving the clinic.
5. Some sources on the internet claim that binge drinking may drastically increase the potency of this medicine. That’s a good thing, right? That means my shoulder should heal faster if I enjoy a few glasses of whiskey.
6. This problem technically started because I did too many lateral pulldowns in the gym. It didn’t start because of alcohol. Alcohol, in fact, had nothing to do with this injury. If I had been drinking this whole time instead of going to the gym, I wouldn’t have this issue right now.
7. Heavy alcohol consumption is a normal part of Wisconsin culture. I was born and raised in this state, and I still live here; therefore, it would be culturally inappropriate for me to remain sober on my days off due to fear over developing a few ulcers and some other minor gastrointestinal problems.
8. I’m going to assume that alcohol-induced diarrhea experienced while on non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs is the same as any other type of diarrhea and that it can be cleaned off your couch with a little bit of time, patience, and effort. Boxer briefs and khaki pants are also not that expensive and can be easily replaced.
9. During an intervention that was held for me last week, I was given many reasons why I should cease my weekend alcoholism. None of these reasons, however, had anything to do with medication-induced nausea. In fact, I’ve often noticed that this type of nausea typically goes away after six or seven strong drinks.
10. I just received a rather large bill in the mail from the clinic. Unfortunately, I can’t pay the entire thing because I’ve already purchased two bottles of whiskey and a 30 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The way I see it, it’s simply too late to change my mind.
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Wes Janson is a former international educator who taught in South Korea and Taiwan. He currently lives in the Midwest and enjoys writing comedy. He has been published on Points in Case, The Spoof, Robot Butt, Daily Drunk Magazine, Horror-Sleaze-Trash, Glossy News Satire, and News Biscuit.
