Terrifying Halloween Costumes Based On Our New Normal

Fine Person

Comes with shaved-head skull cap or KKK hood, plus t-shirt displaying a Confederate flag or swastika.    Tiki torches available, but not included with costume.

Comes with one set of horse-training blinders, as well as a fake lobotomy scar to place on your forehead!    Can also be worn the following month on Thanksgiving to better get along with your family.

Sadly, we didn’t have time to properly prepare a costume for this Halloween season.   In a pinch, simply wear our President Trump costume, replacing our Stupid, Horrible-Looking Hair wig with our Thinning, Greasy Hair with Pockmarked Scalp wig.

The blood-chilling character from the hit horror sensation, IT!!   Pennywise skulks through the darkest of nights, the scent of frightened, horrified children on his oily hands!  Note:  Pennywise costume is simply last year’s Jared From Subway costume with the addition of a red wig.

You’ve heard this one, we’re sure.   The one about the Princess trapped in an endless, icy winter?    Exactly!   In other words, this is our Melania Trump costume.

Aaaahhh!!   Run for your lives, everybody!   It’s Ted Cruz!   For the love of God, don’t let him touch you with his greasy mitts!    Our premium Ted Cruz costume is a large tub of slimy green ooze (unlike Senator Cruz, non-toxic) which is used to cover one’s entire body.

We found a bunch of these in the back of the warehouse.   Not sure what we were thinking, really.   Halloween costume warehouses tend to produce quite a few hazardous fumes, so that may have influenced our creative process.   In any case, this one is some sort of combination of The Great Old One and 80’s action movie favorite Lou Diamond Phillips.

Just like every other Halloween, you’re most likely going to wake up the next morning still drunk and with your face planted between someone else’s ass cheeks.   Why not just embrace the inevitable and begin your evening in the same manner with our deluxe Human Centipede costume?

Our top of the line Kim Jong Un costume (note: available in child sizes only).