I’m the Republican Who’s Going to Beat Donald Trump and- Oh No I Just Shit My Pants

My fellow conservatives, it is time to let go of the past and instead look ahead to the future. President Trump served this country well, but he has become too divisive to be the Republican nominee again. We need a sensible, not-Trump candidate who can win back independents, but who is also a culture warrior who can appeal to the MAGA base. We must defeat liberal wokeism, critical race theory, gay teachers, and the trans-agenda before it’s too late. That’s where I come in. I’m the Republican who’s going to beat Donald Trump and- oh no I just shit pants.

Hhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnn. I’m still shitting! Unnnnnnnhhhhhhhhh. I can’t stop! Hhhhhnnnnnn. Hnn. Ok. I’m done. No, I’m not going to comment on the contents of my pants. Can everyone stop focusing on whether or not my pants are now full of shit? It’s as if you want Trump again!

This country desperately needs Trumpism without Trump. And I am not Trump. No, I’m- shitting my pants again! Oh no! Hnnnn! Hnnnnnnnnnnnn! Ew, my pants are full of shit! Why is this happening? I’m just trying to say and do everything Donald Trump would while looking and sounding more Presidential! Hhhnn! Oh God I’m shitting more- Hhhhhhhnnnnnnn! The shit’s coming out of the bottom of my pants now!Ok, now I really am done. Even covered in shit I’m still the best candidate to take America back for real Americans. I have the record, I have the donors, and I have the will power to forge a new path for the GOP that’s mostly the same as the old path except with me at the head of it. Too long have our institutions been controlled by Marxists and Leftists who hate our country. It’s time to use the power of the state against those who criticize and oppose us. It’s time to- BLAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!

Ugh. I just threw up. I shit my pants again too, but it was mostly throw up this time. I just- MMMMPPPHH. Whew, false alarm. I need a banana to settle my stomach. Good thing I brought one. Mmmmm. Yeah, that’s good. Good banana. I’m just going to throw this peel on the ground. That’s right, I litter, and I don’t care how many liberals it triggers, because I’m- BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

I’m throwing up again! BLAAAAAAAAARRRRRR- whoops! Ow! I slipped on the banana peel!

Well at least I’m not throwing up any mo- BLAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH! Oh no when I fell down I landed on the banana peel and now my projectile vomit is spinning me around on the floor like a top! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGH! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! BLAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGH! Blargh! Blaurp.

Fuck! I’m so dizzy. I’m so glad that’s over. I’m covered in shit and puke and piss – I must have peed too at some point – but that’s all behind me. The “journalists” in the mainstream media are probably going to skewer me just because I’m a straight white male who in the past shit himself and threw up all over while floundering around pathetically in an effort to mimic the asshole I’m trying to dethrone. Well you won’t make me feel ashamed for being a proud- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! What’s happening to me? AHHHHHHHHHHHH! My eyes! What’s happening to my eyes? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRGH! I’m bleeding from my eyes!

My eyes are hemorrhaging blood! ! Oh God it hurts! Waaaahhhhhhh-why is this happening to me? Hhhhnnnnnnhh. And I’m shitting again! No, that’s blood too! BLAAAAAAARRRGH! Blood is erupting from me! It hurts so much! Please make it stop. Pleeeeaaauhhhhhhhhuhuhuh. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Crying makes it worse. Aaaaaah!Unh. I can get through this. I can finish this. I am the real deal. I am young and photogenic and I’m wearing a suit. I’m not just a shitty knockoff of a piece of shit. Ok. Ahem.

Abortion. Any time an abortion happens in this country it’s a policy failure for-AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! My bones are breaking! Oh god the pain! AIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!! I’m being crumpled into a little ball! Noooooooo!! AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Hhhhhheeellllp meeeeeee.

Somebody . . . please . . . tell President Trump I’m open to a cabinet position . . . .

Hhhhhhhnnnnnn . . .