The Commissioner’s Adjusted Rules For The 2020 MLB Season
Spitting is banned unless you are wearing a mask
First and third base will be replaced with active landmines
If anyone sees my wife out and about, will you tell her to call me? I want to work it out
Bats will be replaced with a sea bass
Balls will be replaced with a much littler sea bass
I am a shell of a man
Along with having a universal designated hitter, each team will be assigned a designated tickler
Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs
Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas
There will be an eighty-eight team playoff.
I will be available for calls just in case anyone just wants to talk about anything. Anything at all
A new position will be tested in between first and second called, “longstop.”
Fans are no longer allowed to bring bee hives to stadiums
Each team will select their best fighter and send them to an island and the order of deaths will determine playoff seeding
I’ve been going through a lot lately
Each team will select their worst fighter and have them examine the stadium to make sure that people are no longer bringing bee hives into the stadium
Each club’s cocaine dealer must be screened by me prior to entering the ball park for about an hour and a half or so
Every player will go by the name ‘Darryll Strawberry’ because it’s the cutest name EVER!
Stop ignoring my calls
Figure out who the fuck has been bringing all these bee hives to the game
‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ will no longer be played at any ball park. Each club’s organist must play ‘Home Sweet Home’ by Mötley Crüe
Each team’s closer must send me a text during this rendition to see if I’m okay. I’m not.
Somebody let The Royals know that their coke dealer is the best one of the lot.
Daddy’s feelin’ good
When a pitcher gets called out of the bull pen he must French kiss the guy he’s replacing to, “tag in.”
Slowly
I can’t stop crying
I just want to let all the managers know that you guys are the best friends anyone could ask for and you’ve really been there for me. Especially you Tito.
Anyone know where I could get some acid?
Make ABSOLUTELY sure that there are NO BEES anywhere near me when I take the acid. Last time I was at Comerica and rode the snake I thought all those bees were little flying candy corns and boy did I pay for it
A portion of all player’s salaries will go towards my cosmetic surgery fund
I’m going to fix myself up and start taking care of myself. Then she’ll love me again
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if ‘The Orioles’ and ‘The Cardinals’ swapped names and we didn’t tell anyone about it? It would be so funny!
‘The Blue Jays have to change their name all together. That was her favorite bird and I just can’t.
Maybe all of this is for the best
Tell everyone in the front office in San Diego to laugh when I say, “You know, my father was a Padré.” That joke is totally killer and you guys don’t even fucking care
Someone stop me
I’m driving 130 mph on a side street
Tom Petty was right when he said, “It’s so painful when something that’s so close is still so far out of reeeeEEEEaaaAAAAch”
I am the American Girl
Remember The Titans
Don’t You Forget About me though either
Play ball
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I was born. My parents raised me and I grew into a person that likes some things and dislikes other things.
