These Electoral College Members Are Hot, Willing, and Waiting For Your Online Petitions!

Hey there, concerned citizen! Are you itching to have your voice heard? Do you have fantasies about Hillary Clinton’s choice for Transportation Secretary? Dreams about Tim Kaine being sent to the Danish head of state’s funeral? Visions of Michelle Obama as Secretary of State that you’re afraid to whisper in your wife’s ear? You don’t have to keep it to yourself.

Experience the most scintillating activist agendas from the comfort of your own home. These members of the Electoral College are sitting by their computers now, waiting to receive your online petitions to overturn the election.

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Todd

Todd is an Ohio native who loves the Cleveland Cavaliers, the short fiction of John Updike, and ignoring the Electoral College’s historic role as a check against the tyranny of the majority. Todd has a stack of petitions ten inches high, and he’s ready to use every single one to justify overriding the popular vote returns in his state. When he’s not overstepping his constitutionally-proscribed duties as an Elector, you can find Todd pumping iron at the gym, snapping photographs of songbirds at his local park, or studying case histories of contested elections. He’s waiting for your Facebook petition—so don’t be shy!

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Shannon

Shannon’s passion for the outdoors can be surpassed by only one thing: her disregard for the delicate system of checks and balances devised by the Founding Fathers. Whether hiking through the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina or kayaking down the Pamlico River, Shannon’s the kind of girl who isn’t afraid to get outside, use her body, and break a sweat, even if it means skinny dipping in Lake Tillery or unilaterally redefining the rights and responsibilities of an Elector. The thought of reading the signatures you collected on a Google Doc and defying over two hundred years of established precedent makes Shannon tingle all over.

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Derrick

Derrick may look like your classic coal-country man’s man, but he’s a puppy underneath. He loves nothing more than a good Sunday morning cuddle; that is, unless he’s replacing our most cherished democratic mechanisms of self-governance with the arbitrary exercise of power by an unelected few. Imagine yourself cradled in those burly arms of his as he explains the occasional necessity of abandoning an institution’s limited powers in order to restrain the popular will. You can rest assured that you and your Change.org petition are in good hands with this hunk.

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Carol

If you’re hot and bothered about the outcome of the election, you’re in luck! This fun-loving Panhandle gal is looking to have a good time and to further erode the nation’s trust in the electoral process. You name it, and Carol’s ready for it: wild nights on the beach, bottle service at the club, betraying the faith Americans place in her office by responding to the demands of a vocal few. If you’re looking for a sultry vixen who’ll go all the way for you between the sheets and on the ballot, send Carol a link to your DailyKos diary—guys, she’ll read the whole thing! Whether you want to tell her about your Princess Leia fantasy or about how Hillary is ahead by 2 million in the popular vote, Carol is all ears for just $3.99 per minute. Standard rates may apply.