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theSkramm: Girl, WTF?!? The World is Spinning OUT OF CTRL!
“Quote Of The Day”
“Sorry the seat belt is a bit wet… I don’t know what’s going on back there half of the time.” – Uber driver through a mouth full of Taco Bell, grabbing the American Dream by the horns and giving a good yank!
Things Worrying People, Even People Who Are Extremely Hopped Up On Anti-Depressants:
Brett Kavanaugh
The Story
Like seemingly most conservative public servants, is possibly a sexually aggressive psychopath. Also can’t answer a straight question, but that’s just your basic scumbag liar politician stuff, so probably no need to be so concerned about that.
So What Happened?
When Trump is shouting your name and qualifications from the rooftops (ie, Twitter), isn’t that enough to give one pause? I guess not, as the Republicans were keen on getting him aboard the Supreme Court regardless. Now it turns out that he may have sexually assaulted a girl in high school. His high school, so at least he’s not a pedophile. I mean, not that we know of. Yet. Dear Lord, what is happening in this country? Please, make it stop.
theSkramm
Can you please leave now? Just for a minute… I need to be alone for a minute. It hurts to think.
Trump’s Puerto Rican Body Count Denials…
The Story
Trump is continuing to insist that he and his administration did a great job dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Maria last year. Despite the fact that they did virtually nothing. So, to be fair, very similar to almost every other story involving Trump’s presidency.
So What Happened?
Now Trump is entering a new, even scummier level of loathsome by denying the fact that almost 3000 American citizens died in Puerto Rico as a result of the hurricane and it’s devastating aftermath. Of course, he also believes that there are 200 calories in a Big Mac, that his cholesterol is less than 700, and that he still has billions of dollars in the bank, so maybe it’s just a math thing? Pretty sure there’s no way that he’s good at math.
theSkramm
Oh God, please just… just leave me alone, okay? I can’t really be around anyone right now. This is beginning to be too much for me to be able to process. I mean… fuck….
The Story
In an unsurprising by still interesting twist, Donald Trump Jr. is becoming his father’s lone defender.
So What Happened?
In the simplest terms, Cerberus the three headed demon dog won’t stop licking itself and dragging it’s butt all over the Oval Office Rug. Trump and his elder boys are determined to go down on this sinking ship together, which is kind of sweet in a really gross sort of way. Just don’t expect dad to help you out when you need defending in the prison shower, boys.
theSkramm
What, you’re still here? Haven’t you read enough of this horrible, disheartening junk yet? Don’t expect me to pull you out of the dark hole you’re about to fall into. I can barely hang on myself. Christ…
The Story
A border patrol agent has been labeled a serial killer after killing four sex workers over a two week period.
So What Happened?
A creepy guy who works for the government couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Not exactly a shocking twist, but still, I might be more open to the idea of Trump’s wall if we could keep guys like this working on the other side. Sheesh.
theSkramm
Seriously, I mean it this time. Get the hell out of here. I’m not fit for company right now. This is all… it’s shit, it’s all shit.
- About the Author
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
