Things People Say to Writers Translated
“You wrote a book! How exciting!” = Oh you poor delusional fool!
“Where do you get your ideas?” = You seem so dull in real life.
“I’ve been meaning to write a book!” = Any simpleton with a laptop and a thesaurus can pump out a bestselling trilogy.
“This novel you’ve written, could I find it at a bookstore?” = Is this something you’re hawking out of your trunk at farmers markets?
“If you have any copies on you, I’ll take one off your hands.” = I know I’m holding a $12 elderberry kombucha, but you don’t really expect me to pay for that, do you?
“Do you have an agent?” = Someone other than your mom thinks you have talent? Hmm.
“Do you use a pseudonym?” = Your real name is super-lame.
“Are you making any money from this?” = Do you regret not following your dad’s advice about law school?
“What’s your ‘process?'”= I’m picturing you scribbling on Post-Its in your basement after messing around with that brew-your-own-beer kit you’re always posting about on Facebook.
“So you found a publisher?” = Tell the truth, how much are you paying someone to print this?
“A memoir? Really?” = Who the fuck do you think you are?
“Have you met any authors I might know?” = Can you introduce me to Stephen King?
“Will I recognize any of the characters?” = Am I in it and can I sue you?
“I adore thrillers! = I once read a little John Grisham while using the toilet at an Airbnb.
“It’s just a matter of time before Hollywood comes calling!” = I’ll play along with your fantasy because you’re one of the few people who subscribes to my kid’s sock puppet YouTube channel.
“Do I have a story for you!” = And if you use it, I want 90% of your advance and all of your royalties.
“You’re not, like, quitting your day job, are you?” = Do not for a split second think you can move in with me.
“Back to your agent—how did you find them?” = Give me their contact info now.
“Do you think you’ll write another one?” = Seriously, just how crazy are you?
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Liz Alterman is a freelance writer and the author of the humor blog On the Balls of Our A$$ets, which chronicles the period that came after she and her husband were laid off within six weeks of each other. (Spoiler alert: Don’t try this at home.)
