Three Digit Phone Numbers to Memorize Next Time You’re in a Jam

988—National Suicide Hotline (New!)

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911—Universal Emergency Services Number

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311—Non-Emergency Services Number

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922—Not Quite An Emergency But Also Not Quite A Non-Emergency (i.e. My Shed Is Slightly On Fire But We’ve Been Meaning To Get Rid Of It And It’s Raining Pretty Hard So…Take Your Time) Services Number

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933—Showtime Schedule For The AMC Theater Off Exit 28 On I-35 In Tulsa, Oklahoma

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944—Answering Machine of Marsha Hunt, The Now 104 Year Old Actress Who Played Mary Bennet In 1940’s “Pride And Prejudice”

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955—National Pro-Suicide Hotline

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966—The Actual Last Remaining Payphone in New York That’s Been Disguised As An Out Of Order Port-A-Potty To Hide From City Officials

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977—Phone Number Of A Man Known Only As “The Michael Jordan Of Having A Three Digit Phone Number” AKA “The Golem of Prague of Prague”

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999—Emergency Services That Provides Resources For Repairing Buttons 0-8 On Your Telephone

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001—Alexander Graham Bell’s Number

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002—Thomas Watson’s Number

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031—Herbert Hoover’s Secret Number He Called To Connect Him Directly To The Hoover Dam Wall Where He Could Listen To The Sound Of Rushing Water For Hours

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099—This Number Will Connect You On A 5-Way Call With 4 Random Chinese Restaurants In Your Area

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147—This Number Connects You To The Ghosts Of 1950’s Era Telephone Operators Stuck In Purgatory Who Beg You To Find Their Children And Then Connect You To Local Excavation Contractors So You Can Dig Up Their Bodies

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383—This Number Is Out Of Service But Instead Of Saying “The Person You’ve Dialed Is Unable To Receive Calls At This Time. Goodbye!” It Says “The Person You’ve Dialed Is Unable To Receive Calls At This Time…Bitch.”

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765—A Line You Can Call Any Time Or Day That Connects To Dr. Shooshtarizadeh’s Dentistry in Mooselookmeguntic, Maine Where You Will Immediately Be Put On Hold And Treated To Harry Belafonte’s Entire Album “Belafonte At Carnegie Hall” And Kept On Hold Until It Is Completed