Okay, So What Exactly Are In Those Putin Meeting Notes Stolen By Trump?

In a move that’s not in any way suspicious at all, Trump is attempting to secret away any and all notes taken during his meetings with Putin. But what could have him in such a tizzy? You’ll be relieved but unsurprised to learn that we have all of the juicy details…

Admittedly embarrassing details involving Trump’s hands being far too small to participate in a game of Twister with Putin.

During a wrestling session with Putin, Trump achieved an erection, but as he later explained, “Only because he’s so tiny, and wrestling around with him reminded me of what it’s like to forcefully pin down a woman.”

Despite not having home-court advantage, Putin somehow maneuvered Trump into using the chair that makes toot sounds when you shift your weight on the cushion.

Trump and Putin get along with one another so well, they’ve decided to room together once captured and imprisoned by the Illuminati.

Trump and Putin ultimately couldn’t come to a compromise when ordering a pizza, as Putin’s favorite pizza topping is potato salad.

They went out after the meeting to get matching tattoos (the number 27) once they excitedly discovered that they’ve had the same number of ex-girlfriends murdered.

Putin had to agree to leave wrestling and McDonald’s alone before Trump would agree to dismantling America from within.