Ways Jane Austen Heroines Deal With the Men They Love or Ways I Deal With People Who Won’t Wear Masks During a Pandemic
Send furtive glances at them from across the room that convey a range of intense emotions.
Avoid them like the plague whenever they’re in the same general vicinity.
Write strongly-worded letters complaining about them to friends and relatives who never offer any constructive advice.
Sublimate rage towards them with aggressive embroidery.
Become totally exasperated when anyone tries to downplay their offenses.
Go on lots of walks alone in the woods.
Swear immovable hatred for them to no one in particular.
Keep a detailed, running tally of their offenses in a diary.
Revamp old dresses to regain some semblance of control.
Take family up on an impromptu trip to the countryside.
Scream at family for seemingly unrelated things.
During an unexpected, close run-in with them, remain courteous, but mutter disparaging remarks about them when their back is turned.
Repeatedly condemn their behavior during social gatherings, but as soon as someone suggests taking action, declare indifference.
When anyone else criticizes them, look off into the distance resignedly.
Cry angrily in a dark corner until someone takes notice and offers comfort.
Finally get up the nerve to confront them in public, but end up sounding sheepish and unnecessarily polite.
Key:
1-16: Jane Austen heroines
1-16: Me
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Ally Hirschlag is a writer from Brooklyn who lives with mild anxiety over what her cats are doing in the other room. You can find her work at Mic, Upworthy, Teen Vogue, and elsewhere. Follow her on Twitter @allyhirschlag.
