Welcome Back To The Cinema!
New Post-Pandemic Movie Theatre Updates
Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer.
No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked.
IMAX glasses no longer reused by multiple moviegoers, and will now instead by permanently affixed to your face.
Senior citizen discounts still available, although seniors must now also sign a liability waiver before being allowed into the theatre.
Running time of trailers / commercials shortened from fifty minutes to thirty-seven minutes, in order to limit the amount of time spent in an enclosed space with other people.
Moviegoers now encouraged to sneak in their own candy and snacks, and the theatre will simply add a few bucks to ticket prices to make up the difference.
Still no taking while in the theatre, not to prevent irritation to other moviegoers, but instead because our mouths are toxic, murderous germ farms.
Christian-themed films will have steeper admission fees, due to the extra costs incurred by the theatre for having to do a deep clean and COVID-fumigation between each showing.
When watching scary movies, please don’t cover your face with your hands without wearing sanitized gloves.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
