White House Tour Excerpts

Always looking for ways to cut corners in his endeavors to serve the American people, President Trump has whittled down many of the White House services that citizens have enjoyed for decades. The VIP Meet N’ Greet has been discontinued, replaced by a spirited session of wresting involving Lindsay Graham and Mitch McConnell, who at times tend to bite, not only one another, but also members of the crowd who venture too close to the action. The famous White House cafeteria has also been done away with, now reduced to a rather unsavory-looking fellow who will sell you a variety of half-eaten granola bars that fill the pockets of his ill-fitting and stained jump suit.

Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident (so expect a new tell-all book from him in the months ahead).

Here is just a smidgen of audio taken from a recent White House tour, taken by members of a local third-grade class and several high-ranking officials from a nearby white-supremacist militia group.

(Random shuffling noises, muffled voices; a few moments of what sounds to be several large men descending a staircase, followed by light chewing and whimpering).

Young boy’s voice: “Ms. Godfrey, my stomach hurts.”

Woman’s voice: “I told you not to eat the granola bar that man gave you… I’m not even sure that he works here…”

Large, booming voice: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to what appears to be the official White House tour! Please give a courteous greeting to whoever happens to be doing this today.”

Woman’s voice: “Oh God, what’s that smell…”

Large, booming voice: “You have been outfitted with a change of clothes, as to better blend in with your surroundings here at the White House. With any luck, this will provide camouflage from the potentially disturbed individual leading the tour.”

Young girl’s voice: “I’m scared, Ms. Godfrey…”

Woman’s voice: “I know Becky… I think we all are… I wonder if it’s too late to…”

Moist, scraggly voice: “The president has the power to veto, and President Trump has a guy named Vito who will break your legs if you leak info to Bob Mueller.”

(a chorus of children scream, several adults gasp in unison)

Man’s voice: “Dear Christ, where did you come from??”

Moist, scraggly voice: “During the Clinton administration years, some disrespectful loudmouth would continuously refer to the Oval Office as the “Oral Office”. That disrespectful loudmouth was Bill Clinton.”

Older man’s voice: “I like Trump and all, but this… this might be a bit too much for me. And my wife… hey, where did my wife go?”

Loud, booming voice: “There will be no questions until the end of the tour! And there will also be no questions at the end of the tour.”

Moist, scraggly voice: “During the early 80’s, the United States government was pioneering work in quantum physics. In doing so, they created a machine that could take the dreams and wishes of young children, and using bits of random energy culled from the time / space continuum, reform these dreams and wishes, transforming them into small, soft orbs of fruit-flavored material. These bits would then be consumed by Ronald Reagan as ‘jelly beans’.”

Woman’s voice: “How does he keep appearing from the shadows like that?? Where is he now? WHERE IS HE???”

Young boy’s voice: “I want to go home! I don’t like it here!”

Woman’s voice: “Shut up! Shut up, you little bastard!!”

Moist, scraggly voice: “President Lincoln was a fervent lover of homemade jams and jellies, and during the process of jarring same, accidentally came up with a cure for elderly psoriasis. His discovery of this miracle cure is what ultimately led to his untimely assassination.”

Older man’s voice: “Can someone please hold my hand? Just to let me know that there’s another human being here in the area? I don’t care if you’re a Libtard, just please… someone touch me!!”

Moist, scraggly voice: “The famous quote by President George Washington is not, as commonly believed, “I can not tell a lie.”, but rather “I can not tell Lorelei.”, referring to his pet iguana Lorelei, who greatly enjoyed sunning herself in the branches of the cherry tree.”

Woman’s voice: “I think that I can see a bit of daylight… Is this thing almost over? Jesus Christ…”

(soft hissing noises… most likely the room filling with poisonous and / or knock out gas… but also could be a large mass of poisonous snakes being released into the room)

Moist, scraggly voice: “Grover Cleveland was not the first, nor last, president to wear a diaper while in office, but was the first (and only…?) to wear a diaper made of human flesh.”

Little girl’s voice: “Ms. Godfrey? I’m sleepy. Ms. Godfrey?”

(tape ends)