Will Your Child be Sent Home From Preschool Today? A (Snot) Color Guide

YELLOW:

We’ll call you twenty minutes after you’ve dropped off your perfectly healthy, rambunctious child to let you know snot is dripping uncontrollably from their nose and remind you that only bad parents drop sick kids off with strangers just so they can go to work, and no it doesn’t matter to us that you work for a non-profit and haven’t gotten a raise in six years.

---

GREENISH-YELLOW:

Child may only return to the school after you’ve uploaded a stamped note from your pediatrician onto Humble Genius Preschool’s App. We don’t care if your doctor doesn’t have a stamp. Or that you don’t want to spend $30 on a co-pay, wait for two hours in the doctor’s office, and have her say “you just need to wait it out” and then she forgets to stamp the form. Please don’t forget to bring in a hard copy too!

---

YELLOW WITH SPOTS:

Obviously your child is unable to attend school for the rest of the week, but Sally’s mom has asked us to remind you to drop off 50 dairy-free, nut-free, funfetti-free cupcakes for the winter fundraiser on Thursday between 10:49 AM – 11:07 AM.

---

ORANGEY-YELLOW:

Enjoy this time home with your child (the years go by so fast) by testing your theory that your child only produces snot when you leave the house. Think about applying for a federal research grant to prove that “sudden onset snot production when child enters preschool” is a real phenomenon.

---

BLOOD RED:

Your kid got punched in the face by another child (not Sally), but to avoid liability issues for our preschool, let’s say this is an indication of hand-foot-mouth disease and your child needs to stay home until a child-behavioral-specialist can prove he won’t get hit in the face again.

---

HOLLYWOOD BLOOD RED:

Your child is really into special effects and stole a bottle of ketchup to punk the gullible two-year-olds, but by the time we realized it was ketchup, you’d already picked him up – our bad.

---

BROWN:

It’s cute that you’re still reading this guide. Haven’t you figured out that between November and April you’re effectively paying for the privilege of getting 500 emails a week from a preschool your kid no longer attends? Child may return when he is no longer physically able to produce snot, like Sally.

---

CLEAR:

Normally clear snot is fine, but with the combination of cold and flu season, we no longer have sufficient staff to keep the daycare open. Please stay home until further notice. Also, attached is your bill.