Would You Like To Work At Our Start Up?
Hello, Trailblazer!
Are you a passionate, driven individual who is hellbent on disrupting any industry you can get your hands on? Do you thrive off optimization? Is your home address in the open source ecosystem? Were you birthed digitally? If you’re relentlessly committed to crushing your goals, killing the game, and won’t get freaked out in our maybe too-realistic rainforest room, then we want to talk to you!
We’re looking for a gifted, cosmic space ranger/programmer to join our team and help us build something new from the ground up. Something different. Something agile. Something that will change the world. Fuck yeah, we’re talking about database management! The buzz around our cutting-edge platform has become louder than the roar of a thousand lions all screaming at the same time into microphones because when it comes to database management, we’re literally pioneers. We’re not afraid to shake things up and flip some tables. We’re getting shit done, championing the customer, and figuring out what the term “exceptional user experience” means.
A typical day at our office starts with living our core values and ends with brainstorming ways to exploit the gig economy. You will also spend a good chunk of time trying to reserve meeting rooms for all of the daily huddles you’ll have to lead. We let you own your projects start-to-finish because you love chasing the win, and we love dodging accountability. It’s not a cakewalk, but you’ve never been afraid of a challenge or of reptiles found in the rainforest.
We’ve annihilated boring office culture by utilizing standing desks, replacing all of the walls with glass, and providing free snacks in our fully-stocked kitchen. Yeah, you read that right: we let you eat snacks (as long as you don’t bring them into the live ecosystem of the rainforest room; we’ve had some issues with people feeding the bats). Besides free food, we keep beer on tap at all times. We believe that people work best when they’re comfortable in their workplace and are a little bit drunk.
Once you’re in the fold, you’ll be gelling with an A-Team of intelligent, creative visionaries who all wear zip-up pastel hoodies and adhere to a strict work-hard-play-hard mentality. Don’t be surprised if you have to dodge a nerfball or two while you’re trying to finish up a project so you can finally go home to your family (just kidding, we don’t hire people with families because we’re the only family you need). We keep a Nintendo 64 in the office so you can let loose and do some laps on Mario Kart when you need a break. Granted, between the rigorous workload and the tremendous upkeep of the rainforest room, nobody has had time to set it up. But the option is there!
So what are you waiting for? We’re a rocket ship made up of streamlined complex workflows and we’re about to metaphorically bust into outer space, just like Elon Musk is trying to do for real. Let’s forge the next revolution in database management together. We look forward to getting crushed by your brilliance.
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Adrienne is a comedian living in Chicago. Her writing has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Splitsider, and The Belladonna. Occasionally, she tweets @acteeley.
