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Rejected Expressions to Say ‘It’s So Hot’
It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It’s so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!
Entries by Andy Newton
Originals
Ridiculous Questions I Have About the New Social Media App Threads
Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!
CritWits
Top Humor Books Gift Guide 2021
Between supply chain shortages, lingering pandemic, and the de facto legalization of coup attempts, everything is still a mess, and we know you’ve been too preoccupied with your ongoing nervous breakdown to get your shopping done. Lucky for you, Humorist Books is here with our 2021 Holiday Humor Book Gift Guide!
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Names for Trump’s New Political Party
Mein Pillow, Trump’s Chumps, Turd Reich, and more!
serial
FICTION: Ivanka Run: Chapter 1- Greetings from Crimea
After years on the lam, world-class criminal mastermind Ivanka Trump must come out of hiding to find her long-lost husband.
Originals
Paul Manafort’s White-Collar Prison Blues
I’m going to white-collar prison, / And my gout’s worse than it’s ever been./ Why does this have to happen/ To a man with the color of my skin?
Originals
A Taste of Honeypot: One Senator’s Night with Maria Butina
So then, she says she’d like to discuss national reciprocity for open-carry laws, and before I can find a business card, she’s got her tongue down my throat. Oh, Chuck, you got a little something there. Napkin? Suit yourself. Anyway, we leave the ALS fundraiser and head out to the cigar bar on G and […]
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Letter From the R-Train
My dearest Petula, Please forgive me if my hand is slow and imprecise in its composition, for my mind has grown faint and weary with travel, and my heart hangs heavy with the burden of your absence. I write this message to you amidst a most treacherous and taxing leg of my journey, here […]
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Today’s Applied Math Lecture
Today, class, you’re going to learn about the Knaster procedure. The Knaster procedure is often used in certain legal situations, such as divorces or inheritances, where multiple parties wish to divide an asset in a fair and equitable way without liquidating that asset. Say, for instance, your father passes away suddenly without a will, and […]
Originals
The President Trump Coffee Table Book — Get It Today!
The valor. The prestige. The endless parade of tanks and missile launchers rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue. These are but a few of the visions that come to mind when we Americans look back on Donald Trump’s historic first term as our beloved Commander-in-Chief. Throughout every day of his administration, the President has improved the lives […]
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President Seeking Agreeable White House Staffer
Thank you for coming in today. As you surely know, these White House positions are very competitive. For this role, we’re really looking for a team player. You know, someone who will take the Trump agenda to heart and defend any stances that the President may take. So, with that in mind, I’m just going […]
Originals
News From the White House Got You Down? Try Presidex!
Do you ever find yourself staying up through the wee hours of the night, obsessively refreshing the homepage of The New York Times? Have you set up a special Gmail filter for all your ACA petition updates? Then you may be suffering from a little-known condition doctors are calling Executive Order Anticipation Syndrome (EOAS). EOAS […]
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Phone Messages Left on My Senator’s Voicemail
[BEEP!] Hey, there! It’s Andy. I was just calling to check in and ask that the Senator please publicly denounce the nomination of Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State. I can try calling back tomorrow, though, if now’s not a good time. I’m sure the Senator is very busy, what with all his important committees and the big […]
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Trump’s Golden Intelligence Briefing
Thank you for meeting with us today, Mr. President-elect. We realize your schedule has been rather busy as of late, but these intelligence briefings really are important, especially as you get closer to occupying the White House. Yes, I completely understand. These meetings can be a bit tedious. You don’t need to tell us! But […]
Originals
You Are Invited to the Democratic Party’s White Working Class Appreciation BBQ
What: The Democratic Party’s First Annual White Working Class Appreciation BBQ and Jamboree When: Next Saturday Where: The grills behind the Capitol Building Democrats are going to give new meaning to the word “Party” as we host the first annual White Working Class Appreciation BBQ and Jamboree! This celebration will have everything from games and […]
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How to Be a White Ally Without All the Hassle
Are you distressed about the results of the recent presidential election? Do you want to take a stand against the forces of hate and discrimination? Now you, too, can be a white ally simply by following these four easy steps. Get Yourself a Lanyard Not only have lanyards become a secret symbol […]