Entries by Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton

BOOK EXCERPT: The Carlyles

Pattie Carlyle wiped a line of sweat from her forehead, brushed her thick, frizzy black hair back over her ears, bent down, and lifted up a large wooden crate from her brownstone’s doorstep. Straining under its weight and the heavy air that presaged a thunderstorm, she reached several times for the front door handle before finally establishing a hold long enough to wedge it open with her foot….Read the full 1st chapter from the new book THE CARYLYES. Out now!

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned.

Anna: Sorry?

Walden in Park Slope

It’s all too simple to fall into Daedalus’s labyrinth of materialism. We blindly follow capitalism’s siren call and consequently find ourselves dashed upon the rocks of wage labor, obscene wealth, and frumpy big-box stores. I didn’t want to wake up and find that I had not lived, so I packed up and moved to a Spartan, two-bedroom cabin in the Adirondacks for a few months. It hasn’t been redone since the ‘90s, but that was kind of the point, right? And since my parents were wintering in Palm Beach, I knew it would be free till at least March.

Honest New York Times Wedding Announcements

Sasha, a graduate student in social work at New York University, and Henry, an angel investor and serial entrepreneur, met at a networking event hosted by the Harvard College Alumni Association in the City of New York, where they quickly discovered a shared passion for French pastry, expressionist painting, and pharmaceutical cocaine.

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Date Night

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel, and I’m wondering if we’re still on for Saturday night. No, sorry, honey, I just thought it’d be funny to—yeah, an actor, too. Yeah, I usually mention that one first. Well, a lot of people are fans of Carnal Knowledge, and they tend to—Carnal Knowledge. […]

Michael Cohen’s Legal Flashcards

Questions to look up beforehand (see Yahoo Answers?):   Larceny Bribery vs. blackmail What is a deposition?   * * *   Habeus Corpus: A writ requiring a person under arrest to be brought before a judge or into court, especially to secure the person’s release unless lawful grounds are shown for their detention. Corpus […]

The Summer 2018 Guide to Planning Your Dream Wedding and Swallowing That Last Bit of Yourself That Held Onto Your Most Secret and Sacred Dreams

 Stay Organized Between the guest list, the registry, and all the vendors to manage, you’ll have a lot of balls in the air, but that shouldn’t be a problem for you! Heck, by junior year of high school, you already had written your college application essays, found a boyfriend on the wrestling team, won a […]

How to Get More Sleep

Keep In Sync With Your Body’s Sleep Cycle We know maintaining a proper sleep schedule can be tough. Life can often get in the way of a good night’s rest. Late nights at the office. An evening of pub trivia. Or maybe you just need to clutch onto every single precious moment you have to […]

Job Application: Russian Troll Farm

Internet Research Agency is searching to discover a supremely intelligent, motivated self-starting patriot for our operations of graphic design. The paradigmatic candidate is possessed by a spirit of adventure, an innate respect for Typography and what it represents, and an ardent skepticism of the Deep State.   The Requirements of the job are inclusive of […]

The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth, and Other Entries from the Diary of Stephen Miller

January 29, 2018 Talk about a banner day for Stephen Miller. First, POTUS liked my tweet about the wall (“BUILD IT”), then spent the entire afternoon with Hope working on the State of the Union. She accepted all my tracked changes for the speech before I even got to the office. When we were workshopping […]

Taylor Swift Q3 Town Hall Meeting

Welcome, everyone! Thanks for coming down and taking time out of your busy schedules. I know everything is pretty crazy this time of year with the data coming in about Taylor’s optimal panty line for swimsuit season.   It’s been an exciting year for Taylor. Our fall quarter launch, Reputation, hit all our target numbers […]

Penthouse Letters: Hollywood Edition

Dear Penthouse: This never happens to me. After our broadcast this morning, I called the new production assistant into my office. About 5’8”, legs that won’t quit, and an ass so tight, it’s practically begging to get pinched. “You wanted to see me?” she asked. We’ve been playing this cat and mouse game since she […]

These Electoral College Members Are Hot, Willing, and Waiting For Your Online Petitions!

Hey there, concerned citizen! Are you itching to have your voice heard? Do you have fantasies about Hillary Clinton’s choice for Transportation Secretary? Dreams about Tim Kaine being sent to the Danish head of state’s funeral? Visions of Michelle Obama as Secretary of State that you’re afraid to whisper in your wife’s ear? You don’t […]