Entries by Emily Kapp


Originals

How to Shrug Off That You Got Sent to the Gatorade Jug After Trying to Order Water at the Bar 

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
January 28, 2025

Getting your steps in: Why else would you be walking to the Gatorade water tank 100 yards away from your table. To get water? Um, no. You didn’t even want water, and those 10,000 steps aren’t going to step themselves. The only thing worse than the shame of being seen self-serving yourself a one oz. cup of water like you’re a 7-year-old at a tee-ball game is dying early from heart disease after leading a sedentary lifestyle. 

Originals

Why Virgin Mary Is Opting For a Natural Barn Birth

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
December 22, 2024

I make my clothes and wash them in the river not because I only own and can only afford one garment but because it’s the sustainable option. At the end of the day, I’m doing what’s right for me and my little savior of the world.

Originals

A Resume and Cover Letter for a Seat Filler at the Oscars

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
March 7, 2024

When I came upon the role of Seat Filler at your company, I was immediately intrigued. Ever since I was a child, I knew that Seat Filling was what I wanted to do with my life. Growing up, every chance I got to sit, I did. Before I could even walk, I was sitting.

Best of 2023

Santa’s 9-1-1 Call Transcripts

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
December 14, 2023

Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It’s basically poison.  911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney? Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an assault weapon, SIR, and I don’t appreciate you talking down to me. I am gluten-free, and the Smith family was trying to murder me with the cookies they laid out. This was a hit job from the people who started the War on Christmas.

Best of 2023

Roku City’s Police Blotter

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
December 7, 2023

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.

Originals

April Fools Day Pranks For Fancy Boys

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
April 1, 2023

Switch the Soup Spoon and Main Course Spoon At Supper: Mother didn’t dish out thousands of pounds for eight years to a private etiquette coach for nothing! Switch the placement of Mother’s soup spoon and main course spoon before Saturday night supper with your godparents Lord and Lady Hestingforth. As refined as she is, Lady Hestingforth will surely turn pink with secondhand embarrassment when she sees the haphazard place setting of the fine China we actually use every night. You’ll surely get a spanking and stern talking to from Nanny!

Originals

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children 

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
December 15, 2022

#3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this mall Santa but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I placed my two cheeks on his lifeless lap and from that second I knew: this mall Santa was dead. Yep, a corpse dressed up in a Santa suit. It’s pretty unclear whether he died on the job or they had a hard time filling the role this Christmas season.

Originals

How To Tell People You Voted Other Than An “I Voted” Sticker

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
November 8, 2022

Have sex. When you get to climax two minutes in, moan “I Voted!” Go to Starbucks and order your usual Pumpkin Spice Latte. When the barista asks for your name, say it’s “I Voted.” Post the photo of your cup, which says “Ivory Ted.” Get a real tattoo in your tramp stamp area that says “I Voted” And more!

Best of 2022

As A Mason Jar, I’ve Had Enough of These Barn Weddings

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
September 20, 2022

Do you ever feel like you had a specific purpose in life, but then you were called to do something different? And it doesn’t feel right? Recently I was visiting my cousin, Ball, who’s been upcycled as a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser. He never knew he was going to become a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser, but he said he feels like his life is full.

Best of 2022

It’s The Great Resignation, Charlie Brown: Linus Puts His Two Weeks in at Charlie Brown’s Vape Shop

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
April 7, 2022

Without Peppermint Patty to hang around with, all the shortcomings of my job suddenly became glaringly obvious: the long hours, the lack of health insurance, the “work hard, play hard” mentality you pushed on all of us. For someone who was depressed all throughout their youth, I expected way less of that LinkedIn bullshit from you, Chuck.

Originals

The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
August 9, 2021

As a new variant that first chartered a COVID wave less than a year ago, I can not believe how quickly we’ve risen. I know our founders, Selfishness and Recklessness, would be feverish with pride. But that doesn’t mean we can take a break or slow down. The Lambda variant has their sights set on climbing ranks by evading the vaccine, which means we not only need to maintain our reputation, but build upon it.

Originals

The Guy Who Designs Music Festival Posters Explains Himself

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
July 1, 2021

Listen closely. Actually, look closely. Yeah dude, you’re not at your annual eye doctor exam, you’re just reading one of my babies online. Go ahead, grab a magnifying glass to see if one of those indie bands you like is playing. Chances are, they’re playing at 10 a.m. on a stage three miles away from everything else. Take it from me as a design pro that does Photoshop two days a year, font matters. The bigger the font, the more my boss is yelling in my ear, “MAKE THE FONT BIGGER! WE SPENT OUR WHOLE BUDGET ON THEM.”

Originals

“I Couldn’t Help Killing Mufasa, I’m a Gemini” by Scar

by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
May 18, 2021

Let’s face it, Geminis are known for being totally two-faced, which to that I will admit: guilty as charged! I even have a visible scar on one side of my face, so it’s almost as if the stars themselves wanted everyone to know that I’m the best sign of the zodiac—I said what I said! Like the classic Gemini I am, you could say I run a little hot and cold.

Originals

Hi, I’m the Toilet in the Back of Your Mirror Selfie—You Can See Me, Right?

by Emily Kapp
March 22, 2021

If you absolutely needed a full-body pic (I get it, I like to show off my full tank every once in a while too), you have a full-length mirror in your room. Your cute room, where there’s sexier background items like your unmade bed, your chaise lounge with all your dirty clothes thrown on it, your dying plants. It screams sex appeal!