DOGE FAQ For Federal Employees Returning to the Office
Question: Will employees be allowed to use scented candles in their offices? Answer: Yes, but the approved scents are patriotism, tobacco, and Coors Light.
Entries by Josh Lorenzo
Leaked: Donald Trump’s Initial List of Cabinet Picks!
Department of Homeland Security: The Cigarette Smoking Man (X-Files) As head of a shadowy syndicate, the cigarette smoking man certainly knows his way around a bureaucracy bogged down in red tape. Carrying the ignominious nickname ‘Cancer Man,’ he participated in a decade-long cover up that involved preparing Earth for an alien invasion.
Hey Kleenex! I’m a Jewish Man, and I Love Your Christmas-Themed Tissue Boxes
You didn’t ask for my opinion in the pre-marketing discussions, but that’s okay. I’m way too old to stick my runny nose up at a box of tissues simply because the design doesn’t align with my religious views. In fact, I believe the decorative Christmas-themed box of snot rags is about as lit as a menorah on the eighth day of Hanukkah.
Seven Possible Out-of-Office Notifications for American Democracy
Alternate Contact: Hello, and thanks for your message. I’m away from the office until January 20th, 2029 with no email access. Your message is very important to me, even though most of you have no clue what I’ve done for the last 250 years. For general inquiries, please contact The Constitution in my absence.
Thanks, Democracy
Potential Reasons Why People Leave Donald Trump’s Rallies Early: In Order from Most Likely to Least Likely
Scientifically speaking, a side effect of seeing too many red ‘MAGA,’ hats can lead to nausea and restless asshole syndrome.
Ten Tips for Wives to Better Understand Their Husband of 20+ Years While on a Beach Vacation
Purchases of t-shirts by your husband from beach breweries will never exceed the amount of decorative whale pillows you purchase from artsy beach stores, even if it feels like it.
Unanswered Hollywood Christmas Movie Want Ads
WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.
Colonoscopy Prep Playlist for Generation X (Kind of in Order, at Least Based on My Colon’s Behavior)
‘Everybody Hurts’ – REM, ‘Drain you’ – Nirvana, ‘Deep Inside of You’ – Third Eye Blind, and more!
How To Install An Outdoor Trampoline Basketball Hoop (Or Anything Else Requiring Assembly)
Step #1 – Read the instructions.
Step #2 – Ask yourself why, in America, the instructions appear to be written in an Anglo-Frisian dialect from the 7th century AD.
Step #3 – Look at the illustrations. Those have to be more helpful than the Old English of Step #2.
Revised Lyrics to “Midnight Train to Georgia”
So, he called up some folks / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / And asked for thousands more votes / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / Scheming for a way to get back, to the life he once knew / Oh, yes he did, he said he would / Oh-oh, he’s cheating (Cheating)
Popular Scented Candles of 2020
Face Mask: Revolutionary technology that uniquely captures the fragrance of your own breath.
Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First
Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate’s microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.
Actual Phases of Being Stuck Inside of a Global Pandemic
‘The I-watch-HGTV-and-can-therefore-build-an-addition-to-my-house phase.’ ‘The I-just-realized-I-don’t-even-own-a-hammer phase.’ And more!
It is I, Ramp
Honestly dude, you need to take a look in the mirror. So, you almost fell down a ramp and embarrassed yourself. Shit happens. President Ford nearly fell down the steps descending an airplane back in ‘75. He didn’t blame tweet the flight of stairs. He laughed it off and continued serving his unremarkable term.
Newly Discovered Side Effects of Hydroxychloroquine
Side Effects include: Distrust of medical professionals, Urge to ingest Lysol Wipes, Late night rage tweeting, and more.
Where are they now: John Mellencamp’s Jack and Diane Look Back on Nearly Forty Years of Marriage
What was it like growing up in the heartland? Jack: Well, back then we didn’t have a care in the world. We’d spend all of our days suckin’ on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez. That may have contributed to my heart disease and Diane’s diabetes.
What Your Favorite Eagles Song Says About the Way You End Relationships
Doolin-Dalton: You don’t end relationships because you don’t have relationships.
What Your Favorite Salad Dressing Says About You
Ranch Dressing: You miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Light Ranch Dressing: You sometimes miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and more!
Don’t Hold the Door for Me: An Introvert’s Lament (Sung to The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me)
🎵 She sees me behind her/ She wants to hold the door/ But I slow down on purpose / She decides to wait some more
Adam Levine’s Tattoos’ Thoughts on the Super Bowl Halftime Show
MERMAID WITH WINGS HOLDING A SKULL: How’s the show going, guys? I can’t see anything because I’m on the back.