Originals
Potential Reasons Why People Leave Donald Trump’s Rallies Early: In Order from Most Likely to Least Likely
Scientifically speaking, a side effect of seeing too many red ‘MAGA,’ hats can lead to nausea and restless asshole syndrome.
Entries by Josh Lorenzo
Originals
Ten Tips for Wives to Better Understand Their Husband of 20+ Years While on a Beach Vacation
Purchases of t-shirts by your husband from beach breweries will never exceed the amount of decorative whale pillows you purchase from artsy beach stores, even if it feels like it.
Originals
Unanswered Hollywood Christmas Movie Want Ads
WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.
Best of 2023
Colonoscopy Prep Playlist for Generation X (Kind of in Order, at Least Based on My Colon’s Behavior)
‘Everybody Hurts’ – REM, ‘Drain you’ – Nirvana, ‘Deep Inside of You’ – Third Eye Blind, and more!
Originals
How To Install An Outdoor Trampoline Basketball Hoop (Or Anything Else Requiring Assembly)
Step #1 – Read the instructions.
Step #2 – Ask yourself why, in America, the instructions appear to be written in an Anglo-Frisian dialect from the 7th century AD.
Step #3 – Look at the illustrations. Those have to be more helpful than the Old English of Step #2.
Originals
Revised Lyrics to “Midnight Train to Georgia”
So, he called up some folks / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / And asked for thousands more votes / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / Scheming for a way to get back, to the life he once knew / Oh, yes he did, he said he would / Oh-oh, he’s cheating (Cheating)
Originals
Popular Scented Candles of 2020
Face Mask: Revolutionary technology that uniquely captures the fragrance of your own breath.
Originals
Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First
Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate’s microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.
Best of 2020
Actual Phases of Being Stuck Inside of a Global Pandemic
‘The I-watch-HGTV-and-can-therefore-build-an-addition-to-my-house phase.’ ‘The I-just-realized-I-don’t-even-own-a-hammer phase.’ And more!
Originals
It is I, Ramp
Honestly dude, you need to take a look in the mirror. So, you almost fell down a ramp and embarrassed yourself. Shit happens. President Ford nearly fell down the steps descending an airplane back in ‘75. He didn’t blame tweet the flight of stairs. He laughed it off and continued serving his unremarkable term.
Originals
Newly Discovered Side Effects of Hydroxychloroquine
Side Effects include: Distrust of medical professionals, Urge to ingest Lysol Wipes, Late night rage tweeting, and more.
Originals
Where are they now: John Mellencamp’s Jack and Diane Look Back on Nearly Forty Years of Marriage
What was it like growing up in the heartland? Jack: Well, back then we didn’t have a care in the world. We’d spend all of our days suckin’ on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez. That may have contributed to my heart disease and Diane’s diabetes.
Originals
What Your Favorite Eagles Song Says About the Way You End Relationships
Doolin-Dalton: You don’t end relationships because you don’t have relationships.
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What Your Favorite Salad Dressing Says About You
Ranch Dressing: You miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Light Ranch Dressing: You sometimes miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and more!
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Don’t Hold the Door for Me: An Introvert’s Lament (Sung to The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me)
🎵 She sees me behind her/ She wants to hold the door/ But I slow down on purpose / She decides to wait some more
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Adam Levine’s Tattoos’ Thoughts on the Super Bowl Halftime Show
MERMAID WITH WINGS HOLDING A SKULL: How’s the show going, guys? I can’t see anything because I’m on the back.