We notice your playlist entitled “Stacey,” which is no doubt intended for your lovely wife. While the collection of 80s soft rock is a flattering gesture on your part, our records indicate that the only person who has ever listened to this playlist is you, alone in your darkened basement, with wine. We find this a tad cringe.
As your elected leader, it is my job to identify who is responsible for this mess. Since it isn’t me, I’ll let you know once I’ve cracked the code.
Question: Will employees be allowed to use scented candles in their offices? Answer: Yes, but the approved scents are patriotism, tobacco, and Coors Light.
Department of Homeland Security: The Cigarette Smoking Man (X-Files) As head of a shadowy syndicate, the cigarette smoking man certainly knows his way around a bureaucracy bogged down in red tape. Carrying the ignominious nickname ‘Cancer Man,’ he participated in a decade-long cover up that involved preparing Earth for an alien invasion.
You didn’t ask for my opinion in the pre-marketing discussions, but that’s okay. I’m way too old to stick my runny nose up at a box of tissues simply because the design doesn’t align with my religious views. In fact, I believe the decorative Christmas-themed box of snot rags is about as lit as a menorah on the eighth day of Hanukkah.
Alternate Contact: Hello, and thanks for your message. I’m away from the office until January 20th, 2029 with no email access. Your message is very important to me, even though most of you have no clue what I’ve done for the last 250 years. For general inquiries, please contact The Constitution in my absence.
Thanks, Democracy
Scientifically speaking, a side effect of seeing too many red ‘MAGA,’ hats can lead to nausea and restless asshole syndrome.
Purchases of t-shirts by your husband from beach breweries will never exceed the amount of decorative whale pillows you purchase from artsy beach stores, even if it feels like it.
WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.
‘Everybody Hurts’ – REM, ‘Drain you’ – Nirvana, ‘Deep Inside of You’ – Third Eye Blind, and more!
Step #1 – Read the instructions.
Step #2 – Ask yourself why, in America, the instructions appear to be written in an Anglo-Frisian dialect from the 7th century AD.
Step #3 – Look at the illustrations. Those have to be more helpful than the Old English of Step #2.
So, he called up some folks / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / And asked for thousands more votes / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / Scheming for a way to get back, to the life he once knew / Oh, yes he did, he said he would / Oh-oh, he’s cheating (Cheating)
Face Mask: Revolutionary technology that uniquely captures the fragrance of your own breath.
Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate’s microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.
‘The I-watch-HGTV-and-can-therefore-build-an-addition-to-my-house phase.’ ‘The I-just-realized-I-don’t-even-own-a-hammer phase.’ And more!
Honestly dude, you need to take a look in the mirror. So, you almost fell down a ramp and embarrassed yourself. Shit happens. President Ford nearly fell down the steps descending an airplane back in ‘75. He didn’t blame tweet the flight of stairs. He laughed it off and continued serving his unremarkable term.
Side Effects include: Distrust of medical professionals, Urge to ingest Lysol Wipes, Late night rage tweeting, and more.
What was it like growing up in the heartland? Jack: Well, back then we didn’t have a care in the world. We’d spend all of our days suckin’ on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez. That may have contributed to my heart disease and Diane’s diabetes.
Doolin-Dalton: You don’t end relationships because you don’t have relationships.
Ranch Dressing: You miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Light Ranch Dressing: You sometimes miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and more!
🎵 She sees me behind her/ She wants to hold the door/ But I slow down on purpose / She decides to wait some more
MERMAID WITH WINGS HOLDING A SKULL: How’s the show going, guys? I can’t see anything because I’m on the back.