What Your Favorite Eagles Song Says About the Way You End Relationships

Heartache Tonight: You prefer ending relationships in the third person, using cryptic statements like, “Someone’s gonna get hurt tonight,” and “Somebody’s gonna come undone,” to get your message across.  This is a risky proposition as the one being dumped might not realize they are being dumped.

Victim of Love:  You use your anger as a crutch; it gives you strength.  This doesn’t allow you to grow as a person and to learn from the perils of a fraught relationship though.  You accuse your former lover of walking a wire of pain and desire, but really, it’s you who’s walking that wire.

Doolin-Dalton: You don’t end relationships because you don’t have relationships.

Wasted Time: You rely on a feeling of deja-vu to end the relationship.  Not only is the relationship a waste of time, but you cannot believe that it’s happening again.  Perhaps it’s time to be single for a little while.  You don’t seem to be good at maintaining relationships.

After the Thrill is Gone: You employ a poetic style of breaking someone’s heart.  Abstract statements such as “flames rising but they soon descend,” and “empty pages and a frozen pen.”  It all sounds pretty good if you were in a Bob Dylan song, but you aren’t, so you should just come out and say, “it’s over.”

I Can’t Tell you Why: You utilize irony in breaking up with someone.  You spend an inordinate amount of time logically explaining why the relationship should end and then you finish it by saying, “I can’t tell you why,” at least four times.  Time to shit or get off the pot.

Hotel California: You’re going to remain in the relationship because you aren’t allowed to end it.  Ever.  You can check out of it any time you’d like but you can’t technically leave.  It’s weird.

Lyin’ Eyes: You are incapable of ending a relationship.  You know you are actively being cheated on.  Your lover is driving long hours to fall into the arms of someone who isn’t as cold as ice.  The implication, therefore, is that you are as cold as ice.  Then, they come back to your house after having sex with someone else and you still can’t break up with them.  Yikes.

Already Gone: You find empowerment in the breakup, and in knowing that your ex is gonna have to eat their lunch all by themselves because you’re out of there!  Sucks to be them, eating alone in the cafeteria, but it’s their fault you’re gone, feeling strong, and singing your victory song.

Take it Easy: You are realistic when it comes to ending relationships because you’ve got too many other people on your mind.  It doesn’t matter that some of them want to own you, some of them want to stone you, and one says they just want to be friends.  You harbor no ill-will towards the one you are breaking up with.  You’re more concerned about being stoned while standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.  Their marijuana laws are quite restrictive.

The Sad Cafe: Assuming you don’t break up in an actual Sad Cafe, your use of allegorical imagery to express your melancholy is rather impressive.  However, this method of explaining why the relationship must end can become pedantic to the person being broken up with. You risk having metaphorical hot coffee thrown in your face, which is probably better than having actual hot coffee thrown in your face.

Life in the Fast Lane: You and your lover are more likely to die from destructive behavior before you ever get the opportunity to break up.  It’s a tad over-dramatic.  Also, you both need rehab.

Peaceful Easy Feeling: You successfully completed rehab after being found guilty of marijuana possession in Arizona.  You met the love of your life but you get a feeling you likely won’t ever see each other again.  It’s all good though because you’re still smoking weed on the down low and know this relationship can’t take you anywhere you don’t know how to get to on your own.