Entries by Paul Lander

Charles Barkley Banned From Vegas “All You Can Eat” Buffets

Hall of Fame basketball great and hoops commentator Charles Barkley found trouble again in Las Vegas. This time it wasn’t Barkley’s well-known gambling habits that put the all-timer in a bind, it was his equally well-known midsection — the one that earned him the nickname “The Round Mound of Rebound” during his storied career. A […]

A Midsummer Night’s Shakespeare with Ryan Gosling

To prove that nothing is outside Ryan Gosling’s range as an actor, just add “Hey, Girl” to a line in Shakespeare and let Gosling do the rest: Hey, Girl, to be or not to be that is the question. Hey, Girl, this is the season of our discontent. Hey, Girl, and friends, Romans, countrymen, lend […]

IGotThatPeePeeTape and 9 Other User Names To Get US Visas From Trump Administration

With the US requiring would-be immigrants to turn over social media handles, that would explain these recently processed VISA recipients @IGotThatPeePeeTape @ImNorwegian @AlexBaldwinSucks @ItsMeVladmirPutin @HotForCelebrityApprentceHost @ComeyCanBlowMe @RussianOligarchWillPay10XValueForACondo @GrabMeByThePussy @YoungerHotterEasternEuropeanTrophyWife#4 @MuellerisaMeanie

Upgraded Beatles Lyrics 2.0

All You Need Is Like, Like Is All You Need Yelp! I Need Somebody. Yes2day I.M The Walrus Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club’s Bandwidth With A Little Help From My Facebook Friends Baby, You Can Drive My Prius Paperback Writer: Kindle Edition Let It AirBNB Do You Want To Know My Password? Do You Promise […]

Public Bathroom Etiquette: 11 Things You Don’t Say at Urinals

After multiple urinal related altercations in restrooms across the U.S. and parts of Canada, the National Society for Bathroom Etiquette released the following list of things not to say to the person standing next to you: You’re that former New York Congressman who took the selfies. Can you hold this while I make a phone […]

That’s The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) and 11 other Scientific American Music Award Winners

 I Wanna Be Your Salivating Dog – Ivan Pavlov (Feat. The Stooges) Nuthin’ But A Zero G ‘Thang’ – Sir Isaac Newton (Feat. dr. Dre) That’s The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) Get Your Freakonomics On – Steve Levitt and Mike Dubner (Feat. Missy Elliot) Super Freakonomics 2- Steve Levitt and Mike […]

8 Eerie Similarities That Show How Close The Queen Of England And Lindsay Lohan Are To Being The Same Person

The Queen doesn’t need a passport to travel. Lindsay has had to surrender her passport. The Queen gives to over 90 medical and health-care charities, in addition to the hundreds of other organizations she is involved with. Lindsay, too, has been known for doing ‘Community Service.’ The Queen can never be arrested. Lindsay can’t get […]

Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton “Government Shutdowners Of Today Are Sissies”

Former President Bill Clinton and House Speaker Newt Gingrich called out today’s would-be government shutdowners as a bunch of sissies. Reminiscing about the differences between the shutdown of 1995 and a new looming one, the two former leaders of their parties called out today’s players. “That’s right, sissies,” Clinton said. “Now man up and shut […]

Deepak Chopra’s Greatest Hits (feat. Justin Bieber)

Proof that by adding “Baby, baby, baby, oh” to a Deepak Chopra quote, you get a Justin Bieber lyric   Baby, baby, baby, oh, nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real.   Baby, baby, baby, oh, the less you open your heart to others, the more your heart […]

“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!

A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic jam.  What was supposed to be a run of the mill “Toys for Tots” event became anything but, when its full page ad declared “Toys For Tits.”  Word of the “event” spread quickly, causing two local strip joints to close completely.  Said Honey […]

He’s Got Really Small Hands After All and 8 Other New Disney World Rides Added in Honor of Trump’s New Wax Figure in Hall of Presidents

Jared Kushner’s Slum Lords of The Caribbean  He’s Got Really Small Hands After All  Bigly Thunder Mountain Trump Tower of Terror Enchanted WikiLeaks Room Under the Bankrupt-sea Splash Mountain of Debt  The Largest, Hugest Mainstreet Parade In The History of Disney World  The Haunted Mansion And Resort   

Duck Dynasty crew to release Christmas CD “What Would Jesus Shoot?”

The cast of “Duck Dynasty” announced, for all their fans ‘who a give duck,’ it’s never too late to order their holiday stocking stuffer, the Duck Dynasty Christmas CD. The album titled “What Would Jesus Shoot,” will include the family’s personal take on many a holiday classic. Here are just some of the tunes that […]

16 Quotes That Show Donald Trump Could Be Your Drunk Uncle

Proof that if you add ‘Am I right, Sonny Boy?‘ to a Donald Trump quote, you get everyone’s drunk Uncle at a family gathering. Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now. Out. He’s fired. […]

Holy Torch Song Trilogy! Harvey Fierstein to play Batman

Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Christain Bale, Ben Affleck and now… Harvey Fierstein. Despite the enormous box office returns of ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice,’ it was announced today the gravely voiced actor would replace the latest Batman, Ben Affleck, donning cape and cowl in ‘Batman 7: Out of the Closet.’ Fierstein will […]

Donald Trump’s Take On Classic Fairy Tales

Sure, ordering the murder of Snow White was evil, but nobody talks about those extremely violent dwarfs. Sure, ‘fe-fi-foing, be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread’ is a poor choice of words, but nobody is talking about criminal trespass and a home invasion robbery by Jack. Sure, […]

ALT-Right Film Festival

Tiki Torch Song Trilogies The Kids Are Alt Right Do the White Thing David Duke’s of Hazzard Raging Bullshitter White Sheet-less in Seattle Orange Hairspray Boyz in the Hoods Gunfight at the OKKK Corral 12 Angry Old White Men  

Quiz: Celebrity Kid Name or Snack Chip Flavor

1. Rainbow Aurora 2. Chile Lime 3. Wasabi Ginger 4. Apple 5. Poppy Honey 6. Wavy Ondulees 7. Sage Moonblood 8. Bluebell 9. Pico de Gallo 10. Spicy Nacho 11. Shiloh   ANSWERS: Celebrity Kid: 1 (Ashley Simpson), 4 (Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin), 5 (Jamie Oliver), 7 (Sylvester Stallone), 8 (Geri Halliwell), 11 (Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt) […]

8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order

Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in front of a judge and we’re talking restraining order. Got a long list of ex-lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane, Your Honor. I get drunk on jealousy, Your Honor. So go and tell your friends that I’m obsessive and crazy. That’s fine, I’ll tell […]