CARTOON: Kanye’s New Name
That name might be taken already! Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Entries by Paul Lander
Prizes For Trump Now That Winning Nobel Peace Prize is Kaput
Cracker Jacks ‘Prize Inside the Box’ That’s it. that’s the list.
Wild Horses Can’t Drag Us Apart, Oy Vey’ and 7 Other Rolling Stone Lyrics Made Age Appropriate
Just by adding “Oy Vey” to a ‘Rolling Stone’ lyric, the band sounds their actual age…
Does Jim Mattis Think You’re Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and 11 Other TV Reality Shows a Post Presidency Trump Could Appear On
Who Wants to Be A Pretend Billionaire? We have a guess. Bob Woodward’s “Fear” Factor Anyone?
Sickly Bands
art by Dan McConnell
NASDAQ Listing, Rhyme Scheme or Swedish Pop Band
1. ABAB 2. AAC 3. AHO 4. ABBA 5. AA BB 6. AVHA 7. AABBA 8. OPETH 9. AOD 10. ACAD NASDAQ Listing: 2, 3, 6, 9, 10 Rhyme Scheme: 1, 4, 5, 7 Swedish Pop Band: 4, 8
Kane Mutiny And Captain O’ Captain Lou Albino vs. The On The Road Warriors and 7 Other Wrestlemania Matches: The Norton Anthology Of Literature Edition
Brett Hart of Darkness vs. Sgt. Slaughter House Five Rowdy Roddy Pippa Longstockings vs. Jimmy ‘Lord Of The Superflies’ Snooka Kane Mutiny And Captain O’ Captain Lou Albino vs. The On The Road Warriors The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Hearst Hemsley vs. Henderson The Rain King Kong Bundy Norman Mauler And Jules Verne Gagne […]
Groucho Marx: ‘I wouldn’t want to belong to a LinkedIn group that would have me as a member,’ and 11 Other Famous Quotes Updated for Millennials
Bible: Let he who is without sin podcast throwing the first stone Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar: iCame, iSaw, iConquered Rene DeCartes: I think therefore I.M. Admiral John Paul Jones: Don’t shoot until you see the red spot is gone from their eyes. Abraham Lincoln: 4Score&7yrsago.com Chief Joseph: From where the sun now stands I will friend […]
White House Revised List: Donald Trump’s Favorite Things
Favorite Golfer: Tiger Wouldn’ts Favorite Tongue Twister: How Much Woodnt Wouldn’t A Woodntchuck Chuck If A Woodntchuck Could Chuck Woodnt Favorite Actress: Natalie Wouldn’t Favorite Actor: James Wouldn’ts Favorite Musical: Into the Wouldn’ts Favorite Beatle Song: Norwegian Wouldn’t Favorite Cartoon Character: Woudnty Wouldntpecker Favorite Gold Club: 3 Wouldn’t Favorite One Hit Song: I Wouldn’t Walk […]
‘Mr. Gorbachev add onto this wall’ and 6 other Presidential quotes Trump would have ‘fixed’ if he had been President
George Washington: I can tell a lie. Cherry tree? What cherry tree? Abe Lincoln: A house divided against itself cannot stand. Or maybe it can. What do I know? Theodore Roosevelt: Talk loudly and carry a tiny stick. FDR: You have everything to fear. Be afraid. Very afraid. JFK: Ask not what you can do […]
Quiz: Deadly Sin or Snow White Dwarf
1. Envy 2. Gluttony 3. Sneezy 4. Greed 5. Sleepy 6. Doc 7. Sloth 8. Bashful 9. Grumpy 10. Wrath 11. Lust 12. Dopey 13. Happy 14. Pride Deadly Sin: 1,2,4,7,10,11,14 Snow White Dwarf: 3,5,6,8,9,12,13
Rainbow Trout and 13 Other LGBTQ Friendly Things Hungarian Right Wingers Might Want to Ban Along with The Musical Billy Elliot
You really just have to get rid of all of it or people might actually start being themselves.
Forever 21 to Life and 8 Other Wedding Registries For People Marrying Their ‘In The Pen Pal’
So, your female bestie’s ‘In The Pen Pal’ beau has proposed marriage. His second life sentence, so to speak. Surely, the future Mrs. has plenty on her mind like whether to keep her last name or go with his prison number. Therefore, to save valuable time, during the sure to be hectic preparations and festivities […]
Donald Trump’s Hair to Announce It’s Transitioning Into A Quilt
The news just got a bit more hair-raising as it relates to the continued march toward the exit doors at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Diane Sawyer, in a blockbuster interview, sure to draw comparisons to her sit down with Caitlyn Jenner, announced that Donald Trump’s hair piece will appear with Sawyer to discuss its transitioning into […]
For MTV’s ‘Real World’ There’s No Place Like Nome
MTV’s ‘Real World’ announced its latest destination – Nome, Alaska. An MTV spokeswoman insisted the choice was not made because the show had already been everywhere else. In fact, the MTV spokeswoman related, “Five super hot horny hunks, five nympho-maniacal, surgical-enhanced, amoral coeds with only each other to generate heat. Trust us; the pipe line […]
Quiz: Actual Ambien Side Effect or Roseanne Ambien Side Effect
1. Clumsiness or Unsteadiness 2 Confusion 3 Depression 4 Difficulty with Breathing 5 Racist Rants on Twitter 6 Dizziness, Lightheadedness, or Fainting 7 VH 1 ‘Where are they Now Special’ 8 Falling 9 Fast Heartbeat 10 TV Show Cancelled 11 Skin Rash 12 Trouble Sleeping 13 Belief Former First Daughters are married to George Soros’s […]
Quiz: Vape Flavor or Affectionate Nickname You Should Never Call Any Woman At Work By…
Crazy Chill Jungle Juice Crazy Hump Wild Cherry Muffin Top Buttery Nipple Swamp Frog Sweet Tart Black Mamba Waffle Sammwich Vape Flavor – All Affectionate Nickname You Should Never Call Any Woman At Work By – All
10 Helpful Hints If You’re Lucky Enough To Land an Invite To Harry and Meghan’s Wedding
Don’t just leave your car keys with anyone in a fancy uniform. There’s a 50/50 chance that’s not the valet, but the father of the groom — Prince Charles Liz, Lizzie, Queen, Queenie, are not names Queen Elizabeth will answer to. Relax, Harry’s got this. All the pressure’s on Prince William. Fact is, if William […]
Charles Barkley Banned From Vegas “All You Can Eat” Buffets
Hall of Fame basketball great and hoops commentator Charles Barkley found trouble again in Las Vegas. This time it wasn’t Barkley’s well-known gambling habits that put the all-timer in a bind, it was his equally well-known midsection — the one that earned him the nickname “The Round Mound of Rebound” during his storied career. A […]
A Midsummer Night’s Shakespeare with Ryan Gosling
To prove that nothing is outside Ryan Gosling’s range as an actor, just add “Hey, Girl” to a line in Shakespeare and let Gosling do the rest: Hey, Girl, to be or not to be that is the question. Hey, Girl, this is the season of our discontent. Hey, Girl, and friends, Romans, countrymen, lend […]
IGotThatPeePeeTape and 9 Other User Names To Get US Visas From Trump Administration
With the US requiring would-be immigrants to turn over social media handles, that would explain these recently processed VISA recipients @IGotThatPeePeeTape @ImNorwegian @AlexBaldwinSucks @ItsMeVladmirPutin @HotForCelebrityApprentceHost @ComeyCanBlowMe @RussianOligarchWillPay10XValueForACondo @GrabMeByThePussy @YoungerHotterEasternEuropeanTrophyWife#4 @MuellerisaMeanie
Upgraded Beatles Lyrics 2.0
All You Need Is Like, Like Is All You Need Yelp! I Need Somebody. Yes2day I.M The Walrus Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club’s Bandwidth With A Little Help From My Facebook Friends Baby, You Can Drive My Prius Paperback Writer: Kindle Edition Let It AirBNB Do You Want To Know My Password? Do You Promise […]
Public Bathroom Etiquette: 11 Things You Don’t Say at Urinals
After multiple urinal related altercations in restrooms across the U.S. and parts of Canada, the National Society for Bathroom Etiquette released the following list of things not to say to the person standing next to you: You’re that former New York Congressman who took the selfies. Can you hold this while I make a phone […]
Play Ball!: People Trump Would Like to Throw Out Instead of Traditional First Pitch
Carmen San Diego Mueller Random Cabinet Member Mueller Overrated Meryl Streep The Entire U.N Delegation from Wakanda. Mueller Another Random Cabinet Member Alex Baldwin Alec Baldwin Jeff Sessions Whoever undercooked this steak Mueller Very Fake News CNN Liddle Bob Corker The NFL Anyone With The Last Name Schumer Sleepy Eyed Chuck Todd The Failing NY […]
PlentyOfPrisoners and 11 Other Sites For People Who Confuse Crazy In Love w/Being In Love w/Someone Crazy
eHarmMe eBodilyHarmony ChristianMangle PlentyOfPrisoners AdultFiendFinder Cra-Cra Date Blindr OkStupid PeopleOnSpeedDate OJdate SexyArsonistsLightAMatch DateBaitandSwitch
Quiz: New Diet Coke Flavor or Porn Star
1. Brandi Love 2. Feisty Cherry 3. Cherrie DeVille 4. Sunny Leone 5. Ginger Lime 6. Twisted Mango 7. Jynx Made 8. Cherie DeVille 9. Zesty Blood Orange Diet Coke Flavor: 2,5,6,9 Porn Star: 1,3,4,7,8
Mumford, No Son and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Spring/Summer Tours
In an effort to keep ticket prices down the recording industry has announced a plan to send out music artists in a marked down form. Those announcing tours for this spring and summer include: Maroon 2.7 The Rolling Stone Ice Lower Case t Justin Timberpond The Mall Police AM only Radiohead Lady Ga 47 Cent […]
That’s The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) and 11 other Scientific American Music Award Winners
I Wanna Be Your Salivating Dog – Ivan Pavlov (Feat. The Stooges) Nuthin’ But A Zero G ‘Thang’ – Sir Isaac Newton (Feat. dr. Dre) That’s The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) Get Your Freakonomics On – Steve Levitt and Mike Dubner (Feat. Missy Elliot) Super Freakonomics 2- Steve Levitt and Mike […]
8 Eerie Similarities That Show How Close The Queen Of England And Lindsay Lohan Are To Being The Same Person
The Queen doesn’t need a passport to travel. Lindsay has had to surrender her passport. The Queen gives to over 90 medical and health-care charities, in addition to the hundreds of other organizations she is involved with. Lindsay, too, has been known for doing ‘Community Service.’ The Queen can never be arrested. Lindsay can’t get […]
Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton “Government Shutdowners Of Today Are Sissies”
Former President Bill Clinton and House Speaker Newt Gingrich called out today’s would-be government shutdowners as a bunch of sissies. Reminiscing about the differences between the shutdown of 1995 and a new looming one, the two former leaders of their parties called out today’s players. “That’s right, sissies,” Clinton said. “Now man up and shut […]
Deepak Chopra’s Greatest Hits (feat. Justin Bieber)
Proof that by adding “Baby, baby, baby, oh” to a Deepak Chopra quote, you get a Justin Bieber lyric Baby, baby, baby, oh, nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real. Baby, baby, baby, oh, the less you open your heart to others, the more your heart […]
“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!
A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic jam. What was supposed to be a run of the mill “Toys for Tots” event became anything but, when its full page ad declared “Toys For Tits.” Word of the “event” spread quickly, causing two local strip joints to close completely. Said Honey […]
He’s Got Really Small Hands After All and 8 Other New Disney World Rides Added in Honor of Trump’s New Wax Figure in Hall of Presidents
Jared Kushner’s Slum Lords of The Caribbean He’s Got Really Small Hands After All Bigly Thunder Mountain Trump Tower of Terror Enchanted WikiLeaks Room Under the Bankrupt-sea Splash Mountain of Debt The Largest, Hugest Mainstreet Parade In The History of Disney World The Haunted Mansion And Resort
Quiz: George Carlin’s 7 Words You Can’t Say On TV or CDC’s 7 Words/Phrases Forbidden By Trump Administration
1. vulnerable 2.piss 3 motherfucker 4. entitlement 5. cunt 6. diversity 7. shit 8. fuck 9. transgender 10. fetus 11. tits 12. evidence-based 13. cockersucker 14. science-based Carlin: 2,3,5,7,8,11,13 CDC: 1,4,6,9,10,12,14
Duck Dynasty crew to release Christmas CD “What Would Jesus Shoot?”
The cast of “Duck Dynasty” announced, for all their fans ‘who a give duck,’ it’s never too late to order their holiday stocking stuffer, the Duck Dynasty Christmas CD. The album titled “What Would Jesus Shoot,” will include the family’s personal take on many a holiday classic. Here are just some of the tunes that […]
Exiting Brexit: 10 Ways For The UK To Offset Losses After Final Leaving E.U Negotiations
A Reverse Mortgage for Buckingham Palace Nothing will put a smile on those Buckingham Palace guards more then knowing their paychecks won’t bounce. List Scotland on eBay Kilts, bagpipes, and, if you ‘Buy it Now,’ Sean Connery will tape your phone machine message. Hurry before the EU beats you to it. Prince Harry and Meghan […]
5 Takeaways from The Christmas Classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”
Reindeer can be real a-holes. How else do you explain, “All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games?” Santa, you damn opportunist. Huh, jolly guy, why did it take “one foggy Christmas Eve” for you to say “Rudolph with your nose […]
Wait… Look, squirrel! and 7 Other Signs You Have Adult ADD
1: Wait… Look, squirrel! 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: 7: 8: What were we talking about again?
Willie Wanking and the Chocolate Factory And 9 Other Examples Of Louis CK’s Favorite Things
Star Wars Character Hands Solo TV Show Masturbating with the Stars Movie Willie Wanking and the Chocolate Factory Little Rascal Spanky Religious Holiday Hairy Palm Sunday Author Bram Stroker Mini Mart Purchase Beef Jerky Website Dickileaks Musical Strokelahoma Actor Tom Yanks
PIC QUIP: Trump’s Art Collection
Chicago art museum says Renoir in Trump’s NYC apartment is fake. As is his Mona Lisa.
16 Quotes That Show Donald Trump Could Be Your Drunk Uncle
Proof that if you add ‘Am I right, Sonny Boy?‘ to a Donald Trump quote, you get everyone’s drunk Uncle at a family gathering. Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now. Out. He’s fired. […]
Holy Torch Song Trilogy! Harvey Fierstein to play Batman
Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Christain Bale, Ben Affleck and now… Harvey Fierstein. Despite the enormous box office returns of ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice,’ it was announced today the gravely voiced actor would replace the latest Batman, Ben Affleck, donning cape and cowl in ‘Batman 7: Out of the Closet.’ Fierstein will […]
Quiz: Canadian Football League Team or Condom Brand
1. Stampeders 2 Blue Bombers 3. Trojans 4. Tiger Cats 5. Magnums 6. Rough Riders 7. Argonauts 8. Lucky Blokes 9. Crescendos 10. Redblacks 11. Alouettes 12. Snake Skins ANSWERS: CFL: 1, 2, 4, 7, 10, 11 Condom Brand: 3, 5, 8, 9, 12 Both: 6
A Drug Infested Den’ And Other Trump Inspired New New Hampshire State Mottos
President Trump called New Hampshire ‘A Drug Infested Den.’ Look for that to replace “Live Free Or Die” as the state motto or one of these: Live Free and High The Gramite State The Ohio of the Northeast Welcome to New Hempshire Everybody Must Be Stoned Lower Taxes, Higher Citizens Where Massachusetts Parties Trump Drug […]
Donald Trump’s Take On Classic Fairy Tales
Sure, ordering the murder of Snow White was evil, but nobody talks about those extremely violent dwarfs. Sure, ‘fe-fi-foing, be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread’ is a poor choice of words, but nobody is talking about criminal trespass and a home invasion robbery by Jack. Sure, […]
ALT-Right Film Festival
Tiki Torch Song Trilogies The Kids Are Alt Right Do the White Thing David Duke’s of Hazzard Raging Bullshitter White Sheet-less in Seattle Orange Hairspray Boyz in the Hoods Gunfight at the OKKK Corral 12 Angry Old White Men
Quiz: National Spelling Bee Winner or National Spelling Bee Winning Word
Nanatuk Venkatachalam Nandipati Appoggiatura Feldenkrai Buddiga Tidmarsh Succedaneum Demarche Sujoe National Spelling Bee Winner: 2,3,6,7,10 National Spelling Bee Winning Word: 1,4,5,8,9
11 Special Counsels Trump Preferred Over Robert Mueller for Trump/Russia Investigation
Jared Kushner Scooby Doo Jared Kushner Matlock Jared Kushner Yakov Smirnoff Jared Kushner Ryan Seacrest Jared Kushner Putin Jared Kushner
14 Times Even Fozzie Bear Couldn’t Bail Out A Mike Huckabee Tweet
To humorless trolls who soiled themselves re: my earlier tweet-stop following me; follow someone sensitive and kind like Stephen Colbert. Waka. Waka. For Cinco de Mayo I will drink an entire jar of hot salsa and watch old Speedy Gonzales cartoons and speak Spanish all day. Happy CdMayo! Waka. Waka. Prince Phillip steps down from […]
14 Product Placements for Pop Songs # 9 Will Make You Literally Want To Eat Their Words
Put a BK Onion Ring On it Beyoncé The Real Slim Jim Shady Eminem Like a Virgin Atlantic Madonna Love Me Tinder Elvis Presley I Kissed A Girl with Lipstick From Mac Cosmetics Katy Perry Who Wrote the iBook of Love Monotones 99 Lyft Ballons Nena Philadelphia (Cream cheese) Bruce Springsteen Scenes From an Olive […]
Quiz: Brazilian Soccer Player or Yoga Pants
1. Neymar 2. Lululemon 3. Kaka 4. Garincho 5. Fabletics 6. Manduka 7. Cafu 8. Alki’i 9. Danskin 10. Zico 11. Kulae ANSWERS: Brazilian Soccer Player: 1,3,4,7, 10 Yoga Pants: 2,5,6,8,9,11
Quiz: Celebrity Kid Name or Snack Chip Flavor
1. Rainbow Aurora 2. Chile Lime 3. Wasabi Ginger 4. Apple 5. Poppy Honey 6. Wavy Ondulees 7. Sage Moonblood 8. Bluebell 9. Pico de Gallo 10. Spicy Nacho 11. Shiloh ANSWERS: Celebrity Kid: 1 (Ashley Simpson), 4 (Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin), 5 (Jamie Oliver), 7 (Sylvester Stallone), 8 (Geri Halliwell), 11 (Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt) […]
8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order
Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in front of a judge and we’re talking restraining order. Got a long list of ex-lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane, Your Honor. I get drunk on jealousy, Your Honor. So go and tell your friends that I’m obsessive and crazy. That’s fine, I’ll tell […]
QUIZ: Medical Condition or Accounting Firm
1. Baker Newman Noves 2. Epstein Barr 3. Riley Day 4. Maudlin Jenkins 5. Honcamp Krueger 6. Forbes Albright 7. Kasbach Merritt 8. Lewendowsky Lutz 9. Clifton Gunderson 10. Sturge Weber 11. Margolin Winer Evens ANSWER KEY: Medical Condition: 2,3,6,7,8,10 Accounting Firm 1,4,5, 9, 11
Quiz: Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed
1. Almazbek Atambayev 2. Trcghed Acfsfgth 3. Grcguhgyy Dwfebuuh 4. Omurbek Tekebayev 5. Kolnyhggh Vedschjjbbh 6. Kurmanbek Bakiyev 7. Sooronbay Jeenbekov 8. Strcfhuhhh Zefghjuh 9. Tomakihlbv Thuvfhjd 10. Kanatbek Isaev ANSWER KEY: Kryzghastani Political Leader: 1, 4, 6, 7, 10 Letters Randomly Typed With My Eyes Closed: 2, 3, 5, 8, 9
Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World
Finding Chemo The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job The Lady and the Tramp Stamp Monster’s Inc.: Chapter 11 Frozen Daiquiri Working For Peanuts: The Movie Snow White Gets Slut Shamed by the Seven Dwarfs The Bi-Polar Express Up Yours James and the Giant GMO Carcinogenic Peach
Trump Administration Revised Terror Watch List
Nordstrom Australia Meryl Streep Cast of Hamilton Alec Baldwin Sweden Don Lemon Anyone with the last name Schumer Pope Francis NY Times Mexico Rosie O’Donnell So-Called Judges Ted Cruz’s Dad SNL NATO Megyn Kelly CNN