Don’t just leave your car keys with anyone in a fancy uniform. There’s a 50/50 chance that’s not the valet, but the father of the groom — Prince Charles Liz, Lizzie, Queen, Queenie, are not names Queen Elizabeth will answer to. Relax, Harry’s got this. All the pressure’s on Prince William. Fact is, if William […]
Hall of Fame basketball great and hoops commentator Charles Barkley found trouble again in Las Vegas. This time it wasn’t Barkley’s well-known gambling habits that put the all-timer in a bind, it was his equally well-known midsection — the one that earned him the nickname “The Round Mound of Rebound” during his storied career. A […]
To prove that nothing is outside Ryan Gosling’s range as an actor, just add “Hey, Girl” to a line in Shakespeare and let Gosling do the rest: Hey, Girl, to be or not to be that is the question. Hey, Girl, this is the season of our discontent. Hey, Girl, and friends, Romans, countrymen, lend […]
With the US requiring would-be immigrants to turn over social media handles, that would explain these recently processed VISA recipients @IGotThatPeePeeTape @ImNorwegian @AlexBaldwinSucks @ItsMeVladmirPutin @HotForCelebrityApprentceHost @ComeyCanBlowMe @RussianOligarchWillPay10XValueForACondo @GrabMeByThePussy @YoungerHotterEasternEuropeanTrophyWife#4 @MuellerisaMeanie
All You Need Is Like, Like Is All You Need Yelp! I Need Somebody. Yes2day I.M The Walrus Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club’s Bandwidth With A Little Help From My Facebook Friends Baby, You Can Drive My Prius Paperback Writer: Kindle Edition Let It AirBNB Do You Want To Know My Password? Do You Promise […]
After multiple urinal related altercations in restrooms across the U.S. and parts of Canada, the National Society for Bathroom Etiquette released the following list of things not to say to the person standing next to you: You’re that former New York Congressman who took the selfies. Can you hold this while I make a phone […]
Carmen San Diego Mueller Random Cabinet Member Mueller Overrated Meryl Streep The Entire U.N Delegation from Wakanda. Mueller Another Random Cabinet Member Alex Baldwin Alec Baldwin Jeff Sessions Whoever undercooked this steak Mueller Very Fake News CNN Liddle Bob Corker The NFL Anyone With The Last Name Schumer Sleepy Eyed Chuck Todd The Failing NY […]
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1. Brandi Love 2. Feisty Cherry 3. Cherrie DeVille 4. Sunny Leone 5. Ginger Lime 6. Twisted Mango 7. Jynx Made 8. Cherie DeVille 9. Zesty Blood Orange Diet Coke Flavor: 2,5,6,9 Porn Star: 1,3,4,7,8
In an effort to keep ticket prices down the recording industry has announced a plan to send out music artists in a marked down form. Those announcing tours for this spring and summer include: Maroon 2.7 The Rolling Stone Ice Lower Case t Justin Timberpond The Mall Police AM only Radiohead Lady Ga 47 Cent […]
I Wanna Be Your Salivating Dog – Ivan Pavlov (Feat. The Stooges) Nuthin’ But A Zero G ‘Thang’ – Sir Isaac Newton (Feat. dr. Dre) That’s The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) Get Your Freakonomics On – Steve Levitt and Mike Dubner (Feat. Missy Elliot) Super Freakonomics 2- Steve Levitt and Mike […]
The Queen doesn’t need a passport to travel. Lindsay has had to surrender her passport. The Queen gives to over 90 medical and health-care charities, in addition to the hundreds of other organizations she is involved with. Lindsay, too, has been known for doing ‘Community Service.’ The Queen can never be arrested. Lindsay can’t get […]
Former President Bill Clinton and House Speaker Newt Gingrich called out today’s would-be government shutdowners as a bunch of sissies. Reminiscing about the differences between the shutdown of 1995 and a new looming one, the two former leaders of their parties called out today’s players. “That’s right, sissies,” Clinton said. “Now man up and shut […]
Proof that by adding “Baby, baby, baby, oh” to a Deepak Chopra quote, you get a Justin Bieber lyric Baby, baby, baby, oh, nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real. Baby, baby, baby, oh, the less you open your heart to others, the more your heart […]
A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic jam. What was supposed to be a run of the mill “Toys for Tots” event became anything but, when its full page ad declared “Toys For Tits.” Word of the “event” spread quickly, causing two local strip joints to close completely. Said Honey […]
Jared Kushner’s Slum Lords of The Caribbean He’s Got Really Small Hands After All Bigly Thunder Mountain Trump Tower of Terror Enchanted WikiLeaks Room Under the Bankrupt-sea Splash Mountain of Debt The Largest, Hugest Mainstreet Parade In The History of Disney World The Haunted Mansion And Resort
1. vulnerable 2.piss 3 motherfucker 4. entitlement 5. cunt 6. diversity 7. shit 8. fuck 9. transgender 10. fetus 11. tits 12. evidence-based 13. cockersucker 14. science-based Carlin: 2,3,5,7,8,11,13 CDC: 1,4,6,9,10,12,14
The cast of “Duck Dynasty” announced, for all their fans ‘who a give duck,’ it’s never too late to order their holiday stocking stuffer, the Duck Dynasty Christmas CD. The album titled “What Would Jesus Shoot,” will include the family’s personal take on many a holiday classic. Here are just some of the tunes that […]
A Reverse Mortgage for Buckingham Palace Nothing will put a smile on those Buckingham Palace guards more then knowing their paychecks won’t bounce. List Scotland on eBay Kilts, bagpipes, and, if you ‘Buy it Now,’ Sean Connery will tape your phone machine message. Hurry before the EU beats you to it. Prince Harry and Meghan […]
Reindeer can be real a-holes. How else do you explain, “All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games?” Santa, you damn opportunist. Huh, jolly guy, why did it take “one foggy Christmas Eve” for you to say “Rudolph with your nose […]
1: Wait… Look, squirrel! 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: 7: 8: What were we talking about again?
Star Wars Character Hands Solo TV Show Masturbating with the Stars Movie Willie Wanking and the Chocolate Factory Little Rascal Spanky Religious Holiday Hairy Palm Sunday Author Bram Stroker Mini Mart Purchase Beef Jerky Website Dickileaks Musical Strokelahoma Actor Tom Yanks
Chicago art museum says Renoir in Trump’s NYC apartment is fake. As is his Mona Lisa.
Proof that if you add ‘Am I right, Sonny Boy?‘ to a Donald Trump quote, you get everyone’s drunk Uncle at a family gathering. Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now. Out. He’s fired. […]
Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Christain Bale, Ben Affleck and now… Harvey Fierstein. Despite the enormous box office returns of ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice,’ it was announced today the gravely voiced actor would replace the latest Batman, Ben Affleck, donning cape and cowl in ‘Batman 7: Out of the Closet.’ Fierstein will […]
1. Stampeders 2 Blue Bombers 3. Trojans 4. Tiger Cats 5. Magnums 6. Rough Riders 7. Argonauts 8. Lucky Blokes 9. Crescendos 10. Redblacks 11. Alouettes 12. Snake Skins ANSWERS: CFL: 1, 2, 4, 7, 10, 11 Condom Brand: 3, 5, 8, 9, 12 Both: 6
President Trump called New Hampshire ‘A Drug Infested Den.’ Look for that to replace “Live Free Or Die” as the state motto or one of these: Live Free and High The Gramite State The Ohio of the Northeast Welcome to New Hempshire Everybody Must Be Stoned Lower Taxes, Higher Citizens Where Massachusetts Parties Trump Drug […]
Sure, ordering the murder of Snow White was evil, but nobody talks about those extremely violent dwarfs. Sure, ‘fe-fi-foing, be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread’ is a poor choice of words, but nobody is talking about criminal trespass and a home invasion robbery by Jack. Sure, […]
Tiki Torch Song Trilogies The Kids Are Alt Right Do the White Thing David Duke’s of Hazzard Raging Bullshitter White Sheet-less in Seattle Orange Hairspray Boyz in the Hoods Gunfight at the OKKK Corral 12 Angry Old White Men
Nanatuk Venkatachalam Nandipati Appoggiatura Feldenkrai Buddiga Tidmarsh Succedaneum Demarche Sujoe National Spelling Bee Winner: 2,3,6,7,10 National Spelling Bee Winning Word: 1,4,5,8,9
Jared Kushner Scooby Doo Jared Kushner Matlock Jared Kushner Yakov Smirnoff Jared Kushner Ryan Seacrest Jared Kushner Putin Jared Kushner
To humorless trolls who soiled themselves re: my earlier tweet-stop following me; follow someone sensitive and kind like Stephen Colbert. Waka. Waka. For Cinco de Mayo I will drink an entire jar of hot salsa and watch old Speedy Gonzales cartoons and speak Spanish all day. Happy CdMayo! Waka. Waka. Prince Phillip steps down from […]
Put a BK Onion Ring On it Beyoncé The Real Slim Jim Shady Eminem Like a Virgin Atlantic Madonna Love Me Tinder Elvis Presley I Kissed A Girl with Lipstick From Mac Cosmetics Katy Perry Who Wrote the iBook of Love Monotones 99 Lyft Ballons Nena Philadelphia (Cream cheese) Bruce Springsteen Scenes From an Olive […]
1. Neymar 2. Lululemon 3. Kaka 4. Garincho 5. Fabletics 6. Manduka 7. Cafu 8. Alki’i 9. Danskin 10. Zico 11. Kulae ANSWERS: Brazilian Soccer Player: 1,3,4,7, 10 Yoga Pants: 2,5,6,8,9,11
1. Rainbow Aurora 2. Chile Lime 3. Wasabi Ginger 4. Apple 5. Poppy Honey 6. Wavy Ondulees 7. Sage Moonblood 8. Bluebell 9. Pico de Gallo 10. Spicy Nacho 11. Shiloh ANSWERS: Celebrity Kid: 1 (Ashley Simpson), 4 (Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin), 5 (Jamie Oliver), 7 (Sylvester Stallone), 8 (Geri Halliwell), 11 (Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt) […]
Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in front of a judge and we’re talking restraining order. Got a long list of ex-lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane, Your Honor. I get drunk on jealousy, Your Honor. So go and tell your friends that I’m obsessive and crazy. That’s fine, I’ll tell […]
1. Baker Newman Noves 2. Epstein Barr 3. Riley Day 4. Maudlin Jenkins 5. Honcamp Krueger 6. Forbes Albright 7. Kasbach Merritt 8. Lewendowsky Lutz 9. Clifton Gunderson 10. Sturge Weber 11. Margolin Winer Evens ANSWER KEY: Medical Condition: 2,3,6,7,8,10 Accounting Firm 1,4,5, 9, 11
1. Almazbek Atambayev 2. Trcghed Acfsfgth 3. Grcguhgyy Dwfebuuh 4. Omurbek Tekebayev 5. Kolnyhggh Vedschjjbbh 6. Kurmanbek Bakiyev 7. Sooronbay Jeenbekov 8. Strcfhuhhh Zefghjuh 9. Tomakihlbv Thuvfhjd 10. Kanatbek Isaev ANSWER KEY: Kryzghastani Political Leader: 1, 4, 6, 7, 10 Letters Randomly Typed With My Eyes Closed: 2, 3, 5, 8, 9
Finding Chemo The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job The Lady and the Tramp Stamp Monster’s Inc.: Chapter 11 Frozen Daiquiri Working For Peanuts: The Movie Snow White Gets Slut Shamed by the Seven Dwarfs The Bi-Polar Express Up Yours James and the Giant GMO Carcinogenic Peach
Nordstrom Australia Meryl Streep Cast of Hamilton Alec Baldwin Sweden Don Lemon Anyone with the last name Schumer Pope Francis NY Times Mexico Rosie O’Donnell So-Called Judges Ted Cruz’s Dad SNL NATO Megyn Kelly CNN