The sum total amount of respect I get around here is zero. That’s point five less than one half unit of respect, the lowest amount legally allowed. On a scale of one to ten, the amount of respect I get is one but only because zero is not part of the scale. So what do I gotta do? Stick a firework up my ass and set it off?
You want me to “talk?” What’s next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want? Huh?
If God created diarrhea to test me, then He’d already know how I’d fare against diarrhea (not great) since He’s all-knowing.
EARTH: OPEN 24/7, 365 DAYS A YEAR! MARS:OPEN 24.6/7.175, 373.1 DAYS A YEAR! JUPITER: OPEN 9.93/2.89, 150.28 DAYS A YEAR! And more!
I just hit that guy with my car, didn’t I? Oh my god. I just hit that guy and he flew over the guardrail and landed perfectly into the bed of a garbage truck going the other way. And I’m still driving!
You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames. Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside. Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside. Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside.
New York Giants: The team is named after New Yorker Elmer Alvin Doe’s masterpiece “The Giant,” with the famous line: Quoth the Giant “Nah-vermore.”
“One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”
911—Universal Emergency Services Number 311—Non-Emergency Services Number 922—Not Quite An Emergency But Also Not Quite A Non-Emergency (i.e. My Shed Is Slightly On Fire But We’ve Been Meaning To Get Rid Of It And It’s Raining Pretty Hard So…Take Your Time) Services Number
I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake.
The word Google but the two o’s are an image of Dolly holding her two massive, natural, milky white dinner plates. The doodle would be a callback to her former life as a waitress at Dobb’s House Restaurant before she got her big break in the music industry.
JENNIFER ANISTON as Search Party Volunteer 21, JENNIFER GARNER as Search Party Volunteer 22, JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT as Search Party Volunteer 23, JENNIFER JASON LEIGH as Search Party Volunteer 24, JASON LEE as Search Party Volunteer 25, and more!
Visitors who have trouble communicating with us agree that the tower is a helpful landmark for finding our eatery, assuming it was built for that purpose. Rumor has it, the plan for building the tower was actually a long-term marketing ploy for the restaurant that would eventually settle below it 124 years later so people could easily find it!
I want to thank all of you for making it here tonight. I’m glad you were all able to dodge the falling pianos that I’ve heard so much about, raining all over innocent people when they go outside for too long or forget to study their sheet music.
And, yes, my overactive imagination probably had something to do with it too. You know me, always getting carried away!
I’ve been informed that many of you have been talking behind my back. I don’t know who but everything you’ve said, I’ve heard it. Spreading rumors about my “endless charm” and “razor-sharp wit.” I’ve had enough. You better knock it off right now.
Is this a perfect square? Or is perfection a foreign concept to someone like you?
You think I’m lying? Well, he actually thought you might say that and he told me to tell you that you can take it up with him if that’s the case. He doesn’t like when people don’t trust his prognoses. Takes that kind’ve thing really seriously. So you can take that up with him.
Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Attempt to pay off the carnival game worker: –$25
Build a tire swing and swing all the way around the branch, Add cheese sauce mix, 1 tablespoon of butter, boiled noodles, and eat mac ’n’ cheese out of the tire, Turn tire inside out with the help of an orangutan
A mixture of dry and wet is tossed around in white sand to make frisbee upholstery. A wet sauce is spread with a robot’s golf club onto the frisbee upholstery. A block of white that was rubbed against a robot’s acne, dead animal discs, leaves, a different dead animal, green tubes, and black rings that can’t fit on your fingers are added to the frisbee upholstery.
The tool is a circular piece of reflective metal with a small hole in the center. The tool can be washed and sterilized for later usage in a standard dishwasher. No matter how many times you stick it in a DVD player, it won’t play. And more.
DEVIL: While you’re taking my advice, I think it might be a good idea if you start keeping up a little more with your … [Devil waves his pitchfork around my head.] DEVIL: … situation. ME: My what? My dander? What does that have to do with the issue at hand? DEVIL: Forget I said anything.
Agnes, 72 — “He crawled on top of the piano trying to be sexy while holding back tears. The guy dressed as Pinocchio started singing and playing a made up song called “Piano-cchio Man” by pecking each key with his long nose. It was a clever play on words but a really long way to go for it.
So I know what you’re thinking and yes we did not do our jobs. However, there is a totally reasonable explanation why the capsule is full of nothing but air. On the bright side, that is precious 1979 air! Don’t use it all in one breath. Cherish it! It’s all we’ve got to give.