Entries by Robert Criss

You Want Me To Talk? What’s Next, I Gotta Sing And Dance?

You want me to “talk?” What’s next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want? Huh?

An Awkward Silence In The Car

I just hit that guy with my car, didn’t I? Oh my god. I just hit that guy and he flew over the guardrail and landed perfectly into the bed of a garbage truck going the other way. And I’m still driving!

Fight Or Flight Or Flex

You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames. Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside. Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside. Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside.

If Only My Immigrant Great Grandfather Could See Me Now, He’d Say “Where Am I?”

“One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”

I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time

I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake. 

Brainstorm For Dolly Parton’s Google Doodle

The word Google but the two o’s are an image of Dolly holding her two massive, natural, milky white dinner plates. The doodle would be a callback to her former life as a waitress at Dobb’s House Restaurant before she got her big break in the music industry.

We’re The Restaurant Underneath The Eiffel Tower And People Have Traveled From All Over The World To Eat Our Food!

Visitors who have trouble communicating with us agree that the tower is a helpful landmark for finding our eatery, assuming it was built for that purpose. Rumor has it, the plan for building the tower was actually a long-term marketing ploy for the restaurant that would eventually settle below it 124 years later so people could easily find it!

A Layman’s Understanding of Food Recipes

A mixture of dry and wet is tossed around in white sand to make frisbee upholstery. A wet sauce is spread with a robot’s golf club onto the frisbee upholstery. A block of white that was rubbed against a robot’s acne, dead animal discs, leaves, a different dead animal, green tubes, and black rings that can’t fit on your fingers are added to the frisbee upholstery.