E.T. Receives A 39 Year Overdue Phone Bill For Interplanetary Roaming Charges
Dear valued GalactiComm® member,
You have an unpaid phone bill from a call you made from Earth on October 31st, 1982. Unfortunately, you did not have an interplanetary roaming plan when you placed the call.
“How is that even possible?” you might be asking yourself. “I made my own phone out of a Speak and Spell, an umbrella lined with tin foil, and a coffee tin full of household electronics.” Rest assured, we here at GalactiComm® were all thoroughly impressed by your resourcefulness. However, your message was transmitted through our vast interplanetary network of satellites and no one gets to hitchhike on our network for free.
Even though this could have been perceived as an emergency call, we cannot – okay, we can, but we won’t – reverse the charges. Is it true the government of the United States performed tests on you? Harrowing stuff.
“Why do I owe so much?” you might also be wondering. Technology and what’s included in our phone plans has changed a lot in the last 39 years. If you placed this call today with our Roam Away From Home® package there wouldn’t be any additional charges. When you placed your call the standard rate at the time was, admittedly, gougingly high. The amount owing has been accruing interest, and compounded thrice-weekly, for the last 39 years. You must pay $29,000,000 Space Shillings or an arm and a leg.
Yes, you read that correctly: an arm and a leg. Literally. It’s a thing. No, you cannot pay with one arm or one leg, nor can you pay with two arms or two legs. It has to be an arm and a leg. Your arm and leg. We know our members value choice, so the method of payment is up to you.
We were intrigued to learn that you were befriended by a young humanoid. Our sources tell us that you and the one named Elliot shared a special bond. It would be a shame if something were to happen to him…
No, no, no, that’s not a threat. But it would be terrible if this Elliot, now a fully grown Earthling man, were to be “accidentally” beamed up into the empty abyss of space and probed until his mind was beyond repair. While those types of accidents are extremely rare, they have been known to happen. And we have been known to make them happen.
“Isn’t there a statute of limitations on my charges?” some customers have asked. Oh boy, you customers really crack us up when you start talking about your rights. In the endless expanse of space from which we rule, there is no statute of limitations.
Since your account balance has been in arrears for over 39 Earth rotations around the sun, we contacted a debt collector. And by debt collector we mean an interplanetary bounty hunter. There was some Boba someone or other who seemed pretty keen on bringing you in, but then a group of Predators were willing to do it for free. Now that I think about it, I should probably check if they’re planning on bringing you in alive. You know how those wacky Predators like to hunt things for sport. What with their collection of skulls and spines.
If you would like to speak to a customer service representative, please call our helpline (additional charges will apply). Regardless of when you call, we will be experiencing longer than average wait times. The current wait time is: until the gibbous moon aligns with Uranus.
To access your account and pay your bill online visit our website and login using your 12-digit personal verification code. If you do not have a PVC, please call to speak to a customer service representative. We are currently experiencing longer than average wait times.
Once you’ve cleared your account balance, we’d like to offer you an exclusive promotion. As a show of goodwill, if you sign up for a Lifetime Family Unbreakable Bundle® contract, we will guarantee that no harm will come to your fragile, soft-fleshed Elliot. We can’t call off the Predators, so you’ll just have to hope for the best on that front. Man, are they ever relentless. You’ll probably want to stay on the move and keep a low profile.
At GalactiComm®, even though we have a complete monopoly over interplanetary communication, we’re all about keeping lifeforms connected. Just so long as we get paid.