Everything On This Thanksgiving Table Is Made From Goldfish® Crackers

“Thanksgiving dinner will cost more this year. Many people have already done their shopping for the holiday amid concerns about empty shelves…. Some shoppers are also struggling to find the particular brands they need for their classic recipes.” — The Washington Post, November 22, 2021

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Welcome to our home, let me take your coats. Sit, sit, there’s no need to help. Talk among yourselves as I finish pulverizing these Goldfish® crackers. No, not for a crunch topping. Goldfish® is not a garnish. It’s everything. I crush the “snack that smiles back at you” into a fine powder. I mix it with some water and green food coloring, roll it out into long, doughy rods and steam them. Then, voila —super cost-effective  string beans.

You’d never know this dish started in the snack aisle. Not after it gets doused with a special combination of lemon juice and butter to remove the strong cheddar flavor. Why am I going to all this trouble? It’s Thanksgiving, that’s why. Anyone with extra cash to burn can buy a bunch of string beans at Whole Foods. Not many people can take a bright orange cracker in the shape of a common household pet and turn it into a vegetable. I do it for you, out of love. Also, because the Goldfish® factory in Ohio produces 50 million crackers a day, so take that, supply chain.

And wait until you try the sweet potatoes! It’s my grandma’s recipe only there are no actual sweet potatoes in it. Just the extra yellow Cheddar Goldfish® that have been soaked overnight in water until they emerge, double in size like eager blowfish. I mash those suckers up, squeezing their little bodies through my fingers until they take on the consistency of creamy goodness. They’re topped with homemade marshmallows, achieved by mixing actual fish gelatin with a fine sand of bleached white Goldfish®.

Don’t get me started on the hours it took me to get the cranberries just right. I’m not sure what I’d have done if they didn’t sell beet-colored Goldfish®. I must have rolled fifteen thousand little balls out. Had to let them dry out in the sun because darn my parts-on-backorder-oven torched the first three batches. Good thing I worked it out because we can’t have Thanksgiving without cranberries. That’s like having a pizza party without actually serving pizza. And only an insane person would do a thing like that.

And the herb stuffing! You are going to beg for the leftovers and good thing I have plenty because this was a cinch to put together. First I thought to myself, now how am I going to get each of the Onion and Chive Goldfish® into the perfect little bites? Then, bingo. Ice cube trays just came to me. But you have to cut them in half, after. Don’t forget, otherwise, the crouton shape will be all off, and no one wants stuffing that looks like a blob. That’s terrible.

Speaking of shapes, did I figure out how to get perfection into the pecan pie! Crushed those Vanilla Goldfish® Grahams with a hammer, hosed them down with some pool water, and ran over the resulting mixture with my Honda Odyssey. Tires created ridges that look just like little pecans. Am I brilliant, or what?

The turkey guys! You smell it? Smells, just like the real thing — and bet you’ll never be able to tell it’s made entirely out of Pretzel Goldfish®. But the secret’s in the sauce, folks — there’s nothing a Nutribullet can’t liquify. Six-packs of Disney Princess x Goldfish®, one pack of beer, and bits of Grandma Lottie’s heirloom china make the best, foolproof gravy.

It’s just about ready now, so why don’t you pull up a chair to the table made out of the leftover Goldfish® wrappers? We’re eating over there by the fish tank. I replaced all the mad expensive tropical rainbow fish with practically free multi-colored Veggie Goldfish® for the occasion, and I’m just so thankful for that tankful, if I do say so myself.

Now, what can I pass you?