LEAKED: The Full Set of Rules for Reading the FBI’s Kavanaugh Report

(Remember, you will be on closed-circuit television, so you must adhere to these rules!)

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Only one copy of the report will be made available for Senators to read.

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The copy must be read in a locked room.

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Senators have only one hour to read the report, alternating between Republicans and Democrats.

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The report can be found in a box in the center of the room.

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Touching the box starts the clock.

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Inside the room are a series of objects that contain clues on how to unlock the box.

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Do not break any of the items to find clues. All items are on personal loan from Tobin and Squi.

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Senators may ask for 3 hints.

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(Each hint removes one accuser’s account of sexual assault/harassment.)

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After reading the report Senators must put the report back in the box.

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This starts the secondary clock!

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Senators may exit the room by signaling the Agent outside the door with the secret knock of Yale’s “Tit and Clit Club”.

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(If the team does not know the knock, you may press the Emergency Button.)

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Upon successfully leaving the room you’ll have your picture taken for social media showing how long you read the report for and be given an interview on FOX News!

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(Those that have to use the Emergency Button will be released Friday evening.)

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But, most importantly, Have Fun!!! You’re confirming a Supreme Court Justice!!!

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