Marine Corps General John Kelly Helps You Be A New and Better You in 2019

“Citing the thorny question of withdrawing troops from Afghanistan and Trump’s urge to pull out of Nato, the Times said Kelly ‘defended his rocky tenure, arguing that it is best measured by what the president did not do when Kelly was at his side.’” -The Guardian.

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Hey late night viewers, this is former White House Chief of Staff and Marine Corps. General John Kelly.  I worked for Donald Trump. If you’re watching this, you might still be alive and living in a democracy because of me.  Things aren’t good, I admit, but making them not as bad as they conceivably could have been was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done for our nation, and now I’m going to bring those skills to you. Call now and I’ll even help you with your Resolutions for 2019.

 

Maybe you’d promised yourself you’d lose 20 pounds by the end of March?  It can be done, with the right combination of diet and exercise. I admit, it won’t be easy.  You’ll have to spend three months in caloric deficit, abstain from alcohol and hit the gym daily.

 

Okay, I probably can’t help you do that.  But I think I could keep you from gaining an additional 20 pounds in three months?  Sure, you’ll hate me for it. You’ll probably gain five or ten pounds and you’ll blame me for that, even though I’ll be over your shoulder at every meal, begging you to not have seconds of mashed potatoes and to maybe skip dessert with lunch.  Why are you even eating dessert with lunch? It’s weird.

 

Maybe you’ll thank me for the ten to fifteen pounds you don’t gain?  You should! I can be your difference maker when it comes to obese vs. morbidly obese.

 

Maybe you resolved to read more books this year?  I could try to read them to you, if you want. A lot of people call me “the adult in the room.” Well, reading bedtime stories is what some adults do when they’re in the room.  I can read you my own memoir in progress, even. It’s called, It Could Have Been Worse.

 

Some of you have resolved to spend less time on social media.  I think I can help with that, if you’ll just put your phone down while I’m reading to you. Please?

 

Come on, I know that some of you want to have a better relationship with your spouse or significant other in 2019.  That’s a good goal. I can’t make you a better listener, though, or a better lover. I think, however, that I can stop you from cheating just by being around all the time, you know, nagging and threatening to rat you out.

 

You probably have no plans to actually murder anybody in 2019, but I can help you not do that anyway.

 

For your best 2019, call John Kelly now at the number below.  I can’t make you the best you, but I think I can keep you from being the worst you, just by being around all the time.

 

Trust me, you’ll hate me for it.  But you’ll maybe hate yourself a little less than you might have otherwise?

 

If I don’t stop you from doing something completely heinous in 2019… you get your money back, partner.  What are you waiting for? Call now.