More Accurate Names for a Virtual Meeting
A missed connection.
A noisy pop-up.
An opportunity to try out a new version of the “Sorry I was late, the commute from the bedroom took forever!” joke.
Putting our floating heads together.
A safe space to have an honest and open discussion, so long as you’re okay being recorded by Logan in HR.
A sit-down, get-back-up, check-to-see-if-your-
A moment for your pantless partner to scream, “I didn’t know you were on video!”
An extended director’s cut with exclusive behind-the-screens commentary.
A mute point.
A chance to focus on the bottom line of your video to make sure no one sees your loose, uninhibited boobs.
Saying goodbye to the only blank space left on your calendar.
An early morning order of scrambled heads and host.
A cursed early-aughts Verizon commercial that never seems to end. Can you hear me NOW, Logan?
A futile search for meaningful eye contact.
A lucid dream after falling asleep on an overheated laptop.
An appointment you can’t leave until you’ve troubleshooted with your colleague, their roommate, and their dalmatian, who’s great at putting out fires.
A happy hour to replug after work.
An all-hands-trying-to-restart-
The Early Morning Afternoon Evening Late Night Can’t Escape It Show. With your host, You!
A subcommittee to examine the subpar video quality.
A masterclass to hone your “No, you go ahead” negotiating skills.
A bad reception.
A decree issued by the almighty Logan, Guardian of Humanity’s Resources, for lo it was written that ye must sacrifice thy luncheon break to the Wellness Webinar.
A hundred years of groundbreaking innovation and technological progress that have made it possible for people around the world to connect instantly and hear you say “Like” five thousand times in the span of thirty minutes.
All that we have now.
A square dance.
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Ali Kelley is a writer living in Brooklyn. She writes essays and satire about office politics, teen angst, and the suburbs. You can find her online at https://alikelley.com/.
