My Name is Elizabeth Warren, and I Have a Plan to Destroy All of Them

Friends, I hope you saw last night’s debates. If nothing else, I look forward to the wealth of .gifs featuring Mike Bloomberg’s pissy little post-burn eyeroll. An eye-roll I caused, because I burned him with the surgical precision that can only be properly acknowledged with a string of mic-drop emojis. But that’s just a taste of what’s to come. You know I have a plan for everything, and you might want to know – what are my plans when it comes to crushing my enemies? Well, I’ll tell you – because unlike some elderly Senators from Vermont, I believe in transparency.

Pete Buttigieg – First, I’ll treat Pete to a hot-towel shave. He should know what it feels like to be a grown-up. Then, I will clamp his eyes open ala Clockwork Orange and make him watch all the Stef scenes from Pretty in Pink until he understands that he and Stef are one and the same. Once he’s reduced to a sobbing pile of big-boy suits, I’ll take him by the hand and enroll him in Teach for America, and the rest should pretty much take care of itself.

Joe Biden – I will build a time machine and send him back to 2016, which was the only good time for him to have run. If my finger slips and I accidentally to send him back to the dawn of time, well, politics is politics.

Amy Klobuchar – Amy is smart, strong, and a real contender, which is why I look forward to our dance-off. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have the wiry energy of a coked-up greyhound and I will END her.

Tom Steyer – Jesus, don’t even waste my time.

Mike Bloomberg – it’s tempting to say I’ll just sit back and let Mike destroy himself by being a sexist, racist plutocrat, but we saw how that worked out last go-round. So I’ll build on the work I did last night, and continue to expand the new asshole I tore him, widening it until I can pull it right over his head and under his feet, and then kick the resultant colon-purse into the sun.

Bernie Sanders – Bernie is a good man, and his heart is in the right place. And that’s why I will be absolutely reverential as I tie him to the ice floe.

Donald Trump – perhaps you’re wondering what a small-target nuclear blast site looks like. Maybe you’re wondering what a room would look like if a pig carcass sprayed with self-tanner exploded in it.  Perhaps you just want to know what it would look like for there to briefly be a Donald Trump-shaped void in the fabric of the universe, which would fill almost immediately with light and color and a return to sanity. I think you want to know all of these things, and I look forward to showing you.

Sincerely,

Liz