New Career Suggestions For My Freeloading, Annoying, Worthless Coworkers

Acting

They certainly have the practice of pretending to be working or like that one time when Tracy burst into tears claiming her mother had been “so sick” that Tracy had fallen behind in her work even though her facebook posts from Coachella didn’t mention a sick mom. She could earn an Oscar in no time.

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Fertilizer distributor

After peddling bullshit around the office, they should be experts. Like that time Tom claimed he couldn’t do his work because the software was updating and somehow no one else had that problem but the boss believed him. He could clear of field of fertilizer in five minutes flat.

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Suitcase Seller

They’ve been dragging around their own emotional baggage for so long that they might enjoy the opportunity to help others pick out their own. One time Maggie used some unresolved Daddy-issues to foist off her worst three clients onto my desk.  She would be able to find the perfect piece of luggage for all situations.

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Hostage Negotiator

To beat the hostage taker, you have to think like the hostage taker.  Nathan for instance has held us all hostage during the weekly Friday meeting for years.  He insists on asking “just one more question just to make sure” until eventually the boss gives in and assigns the work to someone else. (ME!)

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Mime

First off everyone hates mimes so Tom and Maggie are shoo ins! Between Tom’s pretending to update software and Maggie pushing her work onto my desk, they have already mastered the mime skills of looking like they are doing something useful without actually accomplishing anything.  Slap some white facepaint on them and they will give Marcel Marceau a run for his silent money.

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Pirate

Stealing things that don’t belong to you and using bad grammar. Arrrr, that sounds like a perfect fit for Nathan. When he’s not sidelining meetings with dumb questions, he’s emailing incompressible questions to me in hopes that I just do it myself.  And I have plenty of time since he keeps getting “confused” and “accidentally” eating my lunch.  Vast ye maties, Nathan is here steal your organic gyro and your sanity.

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Proctologist

A proctologist really needs to know their way around a butt and since Tracy constantly has her brown nose jammed into the boss’s she is perfectly qualified.  Between hysterically laughing at all his jokes to fawning over the boss every time he has an idea, she is ready to start the colonoscopy whenever she finishes medical school. Although she is so far up there that it might take her a while to navigate back out. Someone send Tracy a flashlight and tell her to turn right at the prostate.

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