New Rules for Classic Games

52 Pickup

In the new and improved ’52 Pickup’ the playing cards are replaced by barrels of toxic waste that you’ve dumped on national forest land. The goal of the game is to use an army of lawyers to avoid responsibility. 

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Hungry Hungry Hippos 

In the updated version of this family favorite, the hippos are hungry for one thing: bullets. Players win by killing hippos and avoiding a social media backlash.

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Operation

In the retooled game, you now play the CEO of a for-profit health insurer and the body you’re operating on is a List of Benefits. To win, you’ll need to surgically remove as many benefits as legally possible while still increasing premiums and attracting just enough new subscribers to offset the ones that have died after being denied coverage for routine procedures.

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Game of Life

The winner is now determined before the start of play based on wealth, powerful family connections (Mercer and Koch are a plus) and race. 

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Go

The game still pits white against black. But white begins by owning 99% of the board and dedicates each turn to marginalizing opportunities for black to own any part of anything. 

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Risk!

The classic strategy game now includes a new twist: your armies are now compromised of online trolls, state-funded terror groups, and war profiteers. The goal of the game is to destabilize and distract governments around the world and allow black market operations to flourish, free from profit-killing oversight.

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Battleship 

In the old version of Battleship the game replicated naval battles between warring nations. Today’s version replaces the actual battle with a slick military contractor who, through a series of mixers, events, and expensive sporting events must convince a congressman to push for a new fleet of $4.5 billion dollar Nimitz class battleships.

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Candyland

You play the owner of a giant candy making consortium. Turn by turn, you’ll endeavor to get more and more of America’s population hooked on sugary treats so that your investment in a new insanely profitable diabetes medication will allow you to buy an NFL franchise. 

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Telephone

The game is still the same: repeat what the person next to you said. But now the end goal is to be featured on a Fox News segment where you repeat what you heard as long as it’s as inflammatory as the following combination: democrats, pizza, and child sex slaves.

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Sorry

In this reboot of the classic board game winning involves finding a way to not say sorry or even accept responsibility for anything you’ve done. Bonus points are awarded if you can find a way to work the phrase “Sorry, not sorry” into an appearance on a mainstream news panel.

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Chinese Checkers 

Troublesome bureaucrats are your obstacle in this new version! You play a procurement officer, with a shady past, who wants to bring Hua-Wei’s line of Chinese government-approved products, including laptops and cell phones, into your government agency.

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Pictionary

Same game. Except instead of a pencil, you have a Sharpie, and the inability to admit to an error.

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Trivial Pursuit 

There’s no need to acquire knowledge to win in the updated Trivial Pursuit. Instead you’ll convincingly arguing for things that you believe to be true during a press conference.

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Connect Four

In the revised Connect Four, you’re the head of investigating agency charged with discovering a link between a slimy consultant and an equally slimy, go-between with a rumored past as a Soviet spy. Can you put all the pieces together to find the connection? Hell no. Because you’re actually stooge that’s been put into the position by the current administration to help obfuscate any connections.  

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Monopoly 

Just like in the classic version, you play a burgeoning real estate tycoon. You start the game with heaps of inherited money and your goal is to eventually lose it all and become the president of the United States.

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