Our Baby Is Going To Be Really Chill

With our first baby due in just a handful of months, there’s been considerable discussion about how this newborn will affect our daily lives. In fact, it’s been the topic du jour for friends, family members, and coworkers, all of whom have children, and are quick to caution about how drastically different things will be once our kiddo comes. With heartening and helpful phrases like “Lookout!”, “You won’t know what hit you!”, and the ever ominous “You’ll see…,”, it’s been really nice to share our excitement with those closest to us. And while I appreciate the words of wisdom (and fear mongering) coming from our nearest and dearest, it’s not necessary as our baby is going to be really chill. 

 

For starters, I know a lot of first-time parents struggle with a lack of sleep, but honestly, I’m not really expecting any of that to happen to us. When the baby naps, we’ll nap, it’s as simple as that. I actually think we’ll end up getting more sleep than I did pre-baby. I know what you’re thinking: What if the baby doesn’t sleep through the night? Umm, did you forget that our baby is going to be a chill baby? In the unlikely event that our baby can’t sleep, I’m confident that our infant will pop in his or her “Pure Moods” CD and read a few pages of Hemingway’s “The Old Man and the Sea.” before drifting off in no time at all. Let me put it to you like this, the average one-month old baby sleeps about 16 hours a day. I’d be pretty surprised if we weren’t joining our precious Little Tike on about 90% of those siestas. 

 

Another frequent fair-warning we’ve received is that with a baby in your life, you have less time to do what you love. Again, I’m dubious. As a comedy writer, I like to spend some nights and the occasional weekend satirizing and lampooning the world around me. Truthfully, I don’t expect our chill baby to hamper my creativity at all. In fact, I’m all but certain that the baby will naturally intuit that my comedy writing is good and that it’s important to me, which will enable them to naturally quiet down when I get behind the keyboard. I can actually envision a scenario wherein my baby helps to improve my writing by giving me gentle, but necessary feedback when I need it most. While the communication might be strained at first, I have little doubt that my baby will eventually provide helpful notes, like “Dad, that’s derivative of Simon Rich or Carlos Greaves,” or “Papa, this pun is beneath you.”

 

The last bit of admonition we’ve been receiving from those in parental-advisory roles is how much having a baby costs. Sure, maybe for all of the parents of materialistic, consumeristic babies, but not for our chill child baby, no way. When it comes to food, our baby isn’t going to be requesting Ruth’s Chris Steak House or anything, I think they’ll be content with whatever we’re eating on a given night, even Boston Market. Second of all, our baby will take pride in their personal appearance without being slavish to the brands of the moment. Think upscale resale onesies. Think jammies from Old Navy, not Banana Republic. Lastly, because our baby will understand the importance of a stress-free household, our newborn will have its own revenue stream so as to contribute to the bottom line of the house. What that will be specifically, I cannot say as that will be up to the baby to figure out. If I had to guess though, I would guess that our baby will start a jam band that garners a small, but devoted following. 

 

So thanks for advice everyone, but our baby is going to be really chill and raising it is going to be a laid back, good vibes experience. I envision the next 18 years as something resembling a prolonged Grateful Dead concert, only without the illicit substances. And even if having a child and raising isn’t absolute bliss all of the time, even if it ends up being as demanding and strenuous as you all say, all of our updates online will make it seem like it’s the most rewarding cake-walk of our lives. So really, what’s the difference?