Phrases That Could Be in John Hickenlooper’s End-of-Campaign Video, Who Knows, No One’s Watching It
“The socialists aren’t the way to beat Donald Trump. And it turns out, neither am I.”
“I believe the only way forward for our party is to take a pragmatic approach. And that’s why I’ve decided to do the pragmatic thing and quit while I’m not ahead.”
“I’m looking forward to spending more time with my brewery, my family, and my foamy fermented liquids. Did I mention I brew beer?”
“I went to Wesleyan. I never got to talk about that much on the campaign trail, but I just feel like I should be putting that out there more, you know?”
“Vote for me! Oh wait, I mean, don’t vote for me. Oh wait, do vote for me, but like, if and only if I run for Senate, which I have to ‘give some serious thought’, wink wink. Should I have said ‘wink wink’ out loud? Gee, folks, I really am not good at campaigning!”
“Despite everything, I still believe in progressive politics, like progressively reaching across the aisle and being progressively closer buddies with the progressive fossil fuel industry.”
“Sure, staying in the race any longer would’ve been an embarrassment to myself, to my community, and to the entire state of Colorado, but that’s not why I’m leaving. I’m leaving because it’s the right thing to do. Also, I’m out of money.”
“And that’s why it’s time for me, John Delaney, to leave the race. Argh, I mean John Hickenlooper! Wow, even I can’t remember me!”
“I’ve been a mayor, a governor, and even a failed Presidential candidate! What can’t I do? Besides become President, but I mean, otherwise like, I’m doing pretty swell, guys.”
“Our best chance for 2020 is for all the moderates who should run for Senate to instead run impossible presidential campaigns until finally we all give up and pretend that being co-workers with Mitch McConnell was our dream all along.”
“I still think I’m the most electable candidate. But now I think I’m too electable. So electable, in fact, that when polled, you assumed everyone else was supporting me, so you forgot all about me. That’s real electability, folks. Forgetability.”
“Shit, fuck, son of a Hickenlooper. It doesn’t matter what I say, no one’s gonna watch this anyway.”
“I stole a pig at the Iowa State Fair and I named her Mrs. Susan Pigenlooper! I’m raising her as my own! Man, it feels good to finally say that out loud.”
“It’s a miracle I managed to last in the race this long! Remember when I talked about taking my mom to see Deep Throat? Oh wait, you don’t!”
“Hey Joe! Make me your VP? I really don’t want to be a Senator, bud. I might not add anything to your ticket, but it’ll be just like my presidential race — you won’t even know I’m there!”
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Kate Herzlin is a New York-based playwright, screenwriter and comedy writer who overuses the rule of three. Her work can be seen in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady Comedy, and others. She’s trying to be a better millennial by tweeting more often @kateherzlin.
