Responses to the Question, ‘Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?’
“We just hired two assassins, but if you manage to catch and kill one of the new guys and bring us their hands, I can forward your resume to HR.”
“Do you have B2B sales experience? Because I spend ninety-five percent of managing my team’s marketing funnel and only five percent filleting a low-level member of British royalty with a mustard spoon in the back of a London cab.”
“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”
“Looking at your portfolio site now. Have you heard of Canva? Get an account, and you can easily design an infographic showing your experience with killing sleeping dignitaries and digging out an eyeball to scan into the high-level security. Then I would feel more comfortable passing it along to our recruiting director, Professor Vlad Shadekill.”
“Not hiring as of now, but if I can give some LinkedIn feedback, I would just leave your Udemy Javascript certification in skills and then, in the bio, mention you changed a small third-world island nation into a democracy by murdering a despot with his bidet.”
“The industry is changing quickly; your best bet is to freelance. BE YOU INC. I would build up your resume by playing two governments against each other, jack up your day rate, kill the generals on either side, and collect two paychecks. The downside is handling bloody kill tarps and 1099s.”
“Jim, I’ve seen you play Pickleball. You’d be dead in a week if you worked here.”
“Do you have active socials? Management loves it if you post on social consistently. It will go a long way if you film yourself on Youtube Reels giving pointers on garroting a billionaire financing a shadow government.”
“This company is obsessed with employee ROI. Make sure you talk about when you went to Central America and knee-ripped that four-star general, threw the caps to sever the head of the consultant member, and then punted the skull to throat explode the local comptroller.”
“It’s so great to hear from you. Bryce told me you were looking for a career change. Did you do any assassinating and limb disposal while at Emerson? That would help.”
“We’re full-time back in the office, and Jenny said you were looking for WFH flexibility since you just had the twins. Also, are you sure you are prepared to disavow your identity and leave behind everything you have ever known?”
“The best I can do is forward to HR your number of kills, aliases, preferred katanas, countries you’ve murdered in, and an updated resume. A cover letter too, but only if you have experience improvising a guillotine in a residential backyard and AI prompting.”
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Joe is a writer and talker based in NYC. He has written television for MTV, TruTV, and IFC and last year sold a movie. He has ADHD.
