I needed to find one of these wise gurus who is a leader in anti-softness like Bill Maher so I could tell him in person (the best way) about what I learned on this journey (so much). But when I broke into his studio, he just called for security, which kind of surprised me. I thought from his complaining about the woke youth that he wanted to collaborate mano a (wo)mano with hardos like me.

This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!

THE POTTING SHE SHED The smell of fresh earth is intoxicating. Not as good as huffing craft glue, but not bad. The earth gives life, and takes death when your enemies shuffle off this mortal coil. With no help from you, of course. Pour all your troubles into a decorative clay pot you adorned with cute birdies, and watch the world melt away. All your troubles. Dirt hides a myriad of sins. Buries them, you might say. The last place they’d think to look is underneath your thriving Pom Pon dahlia bed. Look for what? Ha ha! Nothing but potting soil and a giant set of pruning shears hides in your trusty, padlocked she shed.

To apply, carefully read and complete all sections (A-F) below. Submissions should be free of spelling and grammar errors. Submissions should also be free of your unsolicited commentary on the “super uptight” requirements for landing this role. 

Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.

Ghostbusters, Oceans 8, and the coming-soon remakes of timeless stories like 'What a Woman Wants' have shown us that women have very low standards for what is considered a feminist “win” for Hollywood. So here are my pitches for the next ballbuster blockbuster...

"Female cosmetic genital surgery is rapidly gaining popularity."—Plastic…